The MusicTwilight Saga
by Queen ElainePhoebe
Summary: What happens when you combine the Twilight Saga and The Music Man? Someone made the mistake of asking...and I answered her question! Music is pointful, crackers and biscuits, spontaneous dance, and...Jane the Music Vampire?
1. Twilight Characters Get Bored

**This is a story I wrote over a year ago. My school was putting on the musical _The Music Man_, and I was reading the Twilight Saga. My friend and I began to wonder what would happen if...we were to combine the musical and the books? It was a very random combination, but it inspired this long, long story. I wrote the first six chapters all at once as one long story-that's why they're so short. Before I got my own FanFiction account, my friend posted the story on her account. When I got my own account in June-that was a year ago-I began posting the whole story, one chapter at a time. **

**And now? I just gave away my Twilight books. Someone else can read them. I think I can safely say I'm done with both Twilight and FanFiction. But I know there were several people reading this story, and I don't want to disappoint them by taking it down, so I'm re-posting all the chapters at once, without my inane, pointless commentary. The first few chapters just set the scene, so don't be disappointed if there's nothing about music for a while. **

**DISCLAIMER FOR THE ENTIRE STORY: I do not own _The Music Man. _I do not own the Twilight Saga. But I do own the MusicTwilight Saga!**

**I remember having a lot of fun writing all this.  
**

**Chapter 1  
Twilight Characters Get Bored**

"I'm bored," said Emmett.

Everyone else looked at him. "OH, WONDERFUL."

"Let's see," Rosalie said. "We could play some pointless game you think up, or I could go redo my hairstyle...

"Or," Alice said, "we could play Truth or Dare."

"_**NO!**_" screamed every character in the Twilight Saga. Even James and Victoria, who were dead, screamed it. Don't ask how this is possible.

"Hey, it was just a suggestion," replied the evil pixie vampire.

"We are _not _going to play Truth or Dare," said Leah Clearwater, who was standing by the window.

"Why? What's wrong with Truth or Dare?" asked Nessie. Since this story takes place four years after _Breaking Dawn_, Nessie looked about sixteen years old. "What happened?"

"Let's just say it NEVER ENDS WELL," answered Leah. "Don't make me explain. Please."

"Ooh! Ooh!" Yes, that was Emmett. "We could annoy Edward!"

"WHY IS IT SO MUCH FUN TO ANNOY ME?" asked Edward.

"Because you get annoyed really easily," replied Emmett.

"You're evil, Emmett," said Bella.

"You got that right," commented Leah.

Nessie laughed. "Yeah. I so agree."

"Well, if you're just going to stand around arguing, I'm going outside," said Rosalie, and left.

"Look what I found!" called Jasper from upstairs. "Look at this website I found!"

"Let me guess," said Leah. "The official website of the U. S. Confederacy Fan Club."

Alice stared into space. "No," she replied. "He's just reading more funny stories about us. Ever since he found that story on , he's been obsessed with finding all the Twilight fan clubs and stuff. So far he's a member of 289, 564 Twilight fan clubs."

Bella smiled. "We don't have to go and look. He spent three hours showing us that stuff yesterday."


	2. The Battle Of The Blush

**Extremely short chapter, based on real events: Backstage at our school's production of _The Music Man_, my friend Mandi was sitting in a chair and reading _Breaking Dawn_ when our friend Kim found a blush brush and shoved it in Mandi's face. Mandi began chasing her around the room, trying to hit her with the book, all the while yelling, "You blushed my eye!" I just hope they couldn't hear that in the theater. Mandi loves to retell the story. Each time I hear it, she claims she was seeing sparkles for even longer afterwards. She's still wary of makeup brushes.**

**Chapter 2  
The Battle of the Blush**

Rosalie was sitting in a lawn chair in the backyard when Jacob appeared. "I didn't know a vampire could get a suntan," he commented.

Rosalie glared at him. "Shut up."

"Go jump in the river, Blondie. Maybe I should glue a mirror to the riverbed so you stay there," replied Jacob.

"You've used that joke before, dog," Rosalie shot back.

"You callin' me a dog? I'm a _wolf_, Psycho Blondie," Jacob answered angrily.

"Oh, so it's _Psycho Blondie_ now, huh? Are you trying to get killed?"

"Oh?" Jacob shouted. "Get killed? Me? No way. BRING IT ON!"

Rosalie and Jacob stared at each other. Suddenly Rosalie held up her designer handbag. "My secret weapon."

She pulled out a blush brush. "Behold the power of the makeup brush!" she cried, shoving the brush in Jacob's face.

"OWWWW!" screamed Jacob. "OWW! AAAAAAAAAAAAUGH! OUCH! IT BURNS! IT BURNS!" Jacob ran across the backyard, still screaming. "OWWW! SHE PUT MAKEUP ON ME! SHE GOT BLUSH IN MY EYE! MY EYE IS GLITTERY! MY EYE IS GLITTERY! AAAAAAAAAAUGH! HELP! SHE BLUSHED MY EYE! AAAAAAAAAAAUGH!"

Inside the house, all of the vampires and werewolves looked at each other, then burst out laughing.

"Well, that's something to do when you're bored," said Emmett. "Watch Rose and Jacob fight."

"Ten dollars on Rosalie," Alice said.

"Don't bet against Alice," advised Esme.


	3. Edward's Annoying Mind Reading

**I'll just say this: I love writing myself into my stories. **

**I also love driving Edward Cullen crazy, since he annoys the you-know-what out of me.  
**

**Chapter 3  
Edward's Annoying Mind Reading**

_Later…_

The doorbell rang. Bella went to open the door. A girl who looked about thirteen or fourteen stood there, holding a laptop computer. That would be Yours Truly. "Hi," I said. "I'm Elaine. I'm the one writing this story. I wrote myself and my friend Mandi into the story."

"You _what?_" That was Rosalie.

"She's the author," answered Jasper. He turned to me. "Prove it to them."

I walked in. Mandi followed me. I set my laptop on a table, then, after making sure that everyone was looking at the screen, typed _Emmett suddenly fell over and landed on a chair._

Everyone turned to look at Emmett. As we watched, he slowly fell over and landed on a chair. "What the heck—" he said.

The chair broke. We laughed.

Edward looked like he was concentrating on something. He was looking at me. _Uh-oh._

"Edward, stop reading my mind," I said.

"I can't help it!" he protested. "Your thoughts are very interesting."

"Go listen to hers," I said, pointing at Mandi.

"Hey!" said Mandi.

"Oh my gosh!" said Edward. I wondered what Mandi was thinking, then decided I didn't want to know. Edward looked at Nessie. "That girl Elaine took some Twilight Saga quiz and said that Jacob was the most attractive Twilight character!"

Nessie looked annoyed. She walked over and kicked me. "OWWWW!" I said.

Jacob laughed. "Nessie, stop. It's not like she actually _said_ anything."

I thought something I would not want _anyone _to know about, then remembered too late that Edward was still listening to my thoughts. Darn it.

"Oh my gosh!" said Edward, laughing. Jasper, feeling Edward's amusement, laughed too. "She thinks that Jacob reminds her of someone she knows who—"

Shut up, Edward! No wonder the others have to be careful with their thoughts. I glanced at Bella. She appeared to be concentrating on something. Edward looked slightly puzzled. Bella was shielding me from Edward's mind reading!

"Song That Gets On Everybody's Nerves. Pass it on," I whispered to Mandi, who whispered the instruction to Alice, who was closest to her. Alice told Bella the plan, then Jasper. In a few minutes, Bella dropped the shield, and we all began thinking the annoying song as loud as possible.

"_I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves,__  
Everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves,__  
Oh, I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves,  
And this is how it goes: _

_I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves,__  
Everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves,__  
Oh, I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves  
And this is how it goes…"_

"Not working," said Edward. "I can still hear your thoughts through the song."

I got an idea.

"_Je sais une chanson qui énerve tout le monde,__  
Énerve tout le monde, énerve tout le monde,__  
Oh, je sais une chanson qui énerve tout le monde,  
Et voici cette chanson…"_

Not an exact translation, but the best I could do quickly.

"SHUT UP!" said Edward, even though there wasn't any actual noise.


	4. Evil Vampire Who Worries About Her Hair

**Chapter 4  
The Evil Vampire Who Worries About Her Hairstyle**

We shut up. I remembered not to think of any secrets, but by reminding myself of that, I thought of everything I shouldn't think. Edward would be having fun listening to these thoughts.

Sure enough, he leaned over to whisper something to Jasper, who laughed. Edward went back to listening to my thoughts.

This called for desperate measures. I typed on the laptop: _And then Jane suddenly appeared!_

And then Jane suddenly appeared!

"What the heck? Where am I?" She put down the hood on her gray cloak. For an evil vampire, she had a surprisingly squeaky voice. All of the werewolves (Jacob, Leah, and Seth), with their sensitive ears, appeared to be in pain.

"Darn it! My hair is messed up!" Jane squeaked. Oh wow. The evil vampire who can hurt people by staring at them is worried about her hairstyle. Real scary. She pulled a mirror from her pocket. "Oh gosh. My makeup is smudged!" Jane would never scare me again.

"I was _busy_! What am I doing here? Whoever put me here will PAY! MWA-HA-HA!"

Jane glared at us, which, considering what had just happened, was more funny than scary. "I WILL DESTROY YOU! BEHOLD MY SECRET WEAPON!"

Jacob looked nervous. "I really hope it's not another makeup brush."

Jane overheard. "A makeup brush? Here I am about to use my amazing magical talent, and I could scare you with a _makeup brush?_" She pulled out a blush brush. Jacob screamed and ran away. Seth and Leah followed. "Wow," said Jane. "Why are werewolves so scared of makeup brushes?"

Then Mandi saw the makeup brush and ran away to hide in a closet. She has makeup-brush phobia.

"It's a long story," I answered. Jane turned and noticed me for the first time.

"Who are you?" she asked.

"The one who's writing this story," I answered.

Jane looked confused. "I though Stephenie Meyer wrote the Twilight Saga. Hey! That means I'm a copyrighted character! Why are you writing about me?"

"Don't complain to me," I said. "Go yell at . I am not responsible for this."

"Yes you are! You interrupted my shopping trip! I WILL HAVE MY REVENGE!"

"If that girl Elaine dies, then we don't get to find out how this story ends," reasoned Emmett, if you could call it reasoning. "I wanna find out what happens next and cause the wolves are here Alice doesn't know."

Nessie walked over to Jane and put her hand on Jane's shoulder. She almost had to bend down—Jane was shorter than Alice.

Suddenly Jane started laughing so hard she fell over. I chose this moment to write: _And then Jane suddenly disappeared!_

And then Jane suddenly disappeared!

Mandi poked her head out of the closet. "Is she gone yet?"

"Wow, Nessie," said Bella. "What did you show her?"

Nessie put her hand on Bella's shoulder, and Bella almost fell over laughing. Jasper laughed too, even though he had no idea what the joke was.

"What is it?" asked Mandi.

"Emmett's singing." Bella was laughing so hard she couldn't finish her sentence.

"Hey!" said Emmett. "I can sing very well!"

"Sure…" we all said.

"Is it that time that Emmett tried to sing karaoke?" asked Edward.

"I think so," answered Alice. "Hey! I can see the future again! Even though the wolves are here!"

"What do you see?" Jasper asked.

"Seth should avoid doors," Alice answered.


	5. The Music Vampire?

**Chapter 5**

**The Music…**_**Vampire?**_

I started thinking about something Mandi had told me the day before.

Edward looked confused and somewhat frightened. "Oh my gosh," he said.

Edward looked even more confused. "What the heck?"

No words could describe Edward's face at this point. "My family singing karaoke?

"What the—

"_The Music Man_? Huh?

"WHAT?

"Oh my god…"

I typed something into my computer. For some _strange reason_, Nessie suddenly said, "Ye gods!"

Everyone looked at her like she was crazy, except for Mandi, who looked at me, then at my computer, then started laughing.

Edward was still listening to my thoughts. "What the heck?

"HUH?

"Oh my Carlisle!

"I don't understand a single word of what she's thinking! Would someone please tell me—WHAT IS _SHIPOOPI_?"

Mandi laughed. "I would love to know what you're thinking right now."

"Oh no you don't," I replied. "One person reading my mind is enough."

At that point, Jacob, Seth, and Leah returned. Seth entered first and attempted to hold the door open for Jacob by standing behind the door. I remembered what Alice had said earlier. Seth was letting go of the door when Leah entered. She shoved the door, not noticing Seth behind it. "OWWW!" said Seth. "THAT HURT!"

"Seth," said Leah. "That didn't hurt."

"YES IT DID!" Seth said.

The werewolves looked at Edward. "WHAT?" they said all at once.

"Exactly," said Edward. "What the heck is she saying?" He pointed to me.

"I didn't _say_ anything," I answered. "I just thought something."

"Which was very confusing. What does _Shipoopi_ mean?"

"Well since you asked…"

I thought the first verse of the song "Shipoopi" very loudly and watched Edward's face. Being a mind reader must have its disadvantages.

Jasper had brought his computer into the room. Now he was at The Official Website Of Random and Annoying Broadway Songs. Don't try going to this website. I don't think it's real.

"OH!" said Jasper. "I found the piano music too!"

Everyone but Bella went to look at his computer. Sure enough, he had found the piano music to the song. Looking at the lyrics, he asked me, "What part of the song are you at?"

I pointed to the verse I was currently thinking. The Cullens and the werewolves looked at each other, and I knew they were thinking the song with me. I could hear Alice singing under her breath. Suddenly we all sang part of the song out loud:

"_DO RE MI FA SO LA TI DO, TI LA SO FA MI RE DO!"_

**The incident with the doors really happened too. Another random backstage story. Never hold the door for someone who is in a hurry.**_  
_


	6. There Are No Words For This

**Chapter 6**

**There Are No Words For This**

And at that moment, Esme and Carlisle walked in. "What is going on?"

"More ways to annoy Edward," answered Emmett.

"I think I've got a new least favorite song," said Edward. "Make them shut up."

"We're staying out of this," said Carlisle, and he and Esme went upstairs. I heard a door close.

"Thanks, Elaine and Mandi," said Emmett. "You've given us a new way to annoy Edward."

Edward looked very annoyed. Probably because I had combined the musical and the Twilight Saga by picturing Twilight characters doing one of the dances from the musical.

"Look!" said Jasper. "I found a YouTube video of the dance that goes with the song!" Everyone but Bella, Mandi and me went to look. I had a feeling that Jasper and Emmett were thinking very loudly at Edward.

"We should probably leave now," I whispered to Mandi.

As I picked up my computer, I noticed a notebook open on the table. Written on it was:

_Ways To Annoy Edward Cullen_

_by Emmett and Jasper Cullen_

_Think random and disturbing thoughts at him._

_Make him watch the _Twilight_ movie._

_Tape _Twilight_ movie posters to the walls of his room._

_Think the song "Shipoopi" as loud as possible, then think of him doing the dance that goes with it._

I laughed. "Look at this."

Mandi laughed too. As we left the house, I heard loud piano music start up. Standing in the yard, I looked back at the window and almost died laughing.

I could see them through the huge glass window in the front of the house. The loud piano music was Jasper's. He sat at Edward's grand piano playing something that, through some amazing stretch of the imagination, could sound a little bit like "Shipoopi." Alice stood on top of the piano tapping her foot and waving her hands like the conductor of an orchestra. Rosalie stood next to the piano, clapping her hands to the beat. Emmett was singing…sort of. I use the word _singing_ to describe what he was trying to do. He was not succeeding. Jacob and Nessie were dancing. Leah and Seth leaned against the piano laughing. Edward looked like he was about to go insane, and Bella was trying not to laugh. Edward banged his head against the wall, breaking a hole in the wall.

"See, Mandi?" I said. "_That_ is what happens when you combine the Twilight Saga and _The Music Man._"

"I am scarred for life," said Mandi. "Say, I had a question for them..."

"We could always go back and ask them."

Mandi looked at the musical chaos inside the house. "No thanks."


	7. There Are Still No Words For This

**Chapter 7**

**There Are Still No Words For This**

"I'm bored," said Alice. "Truth Or Dare, anyone?"

Blank stares from everyone else: Jasper, Edward, Bella, Jacob, Nessie, Seth, Leah, Rosalie, and Emmett were also present.

Alice jumped up from the chair she had been sitting on. "Anyone? Please? I'm bored!"

Leah said, "We're _all_ bored."

Jasper smiled suddenly. "Yes. Please. Do something interesting. There's so much boredom in this room that it is driving me crazy!"

Edward sighed. "Fine. I surrender. We'll all play Truth Or Dare on one condition: we add a new rule."

"This is going to ruin all the fun, isn't it?" said Alice.

"No, it won't," Jasper said. "It was my idea in the first place. Edward stole it from me before I could even say it." Here he glared at Edward. "Anyway, _my_ idea was that we add a rule saying that after someone accepts a dare, the person giving the dare can't add any conditions."

Alice considered for a moment. "Fine," she finally said. "This is going to ruin all the fun, I bet."

"Truth or Dare never ends well," commented Bella.

"So are we playing Truth Or Dare?" Emmett asked. "Can I go first?"

Alice was now standing on her chair. "Yes, we are playing Truth Or Dare, and no, you cannot go first. You go first every time."

"And you accuse _us _of ruining the fun," Emmett said softly. However, Alice still heard and threw a makeup brush at him. Emmett caught the brush and threw it at Alice. Alice ducked, and the brush crashed through the window. Emmett said, "Oops."

"Did something break?" Carlisle called from upstairs. No one answered.

Alice continued talking. "_Anyway, as I was saying_, Emmett always goes first. I will go first this time." Before anyone could comment, she turned to Bella. "Truth or dare, Bella?"

Bella looked at the others. "And I thought she was my friend. Dare," she answered.

Alice giggled. "Stand on Edward's piano."

Bella looked confused. "_What?_"

"Stand on Edward's piano. You don't have to do it now. I'll remember that you have to do it."

"Fine," Bella said. "I accept. This is a very strange dare, but it isn't so bad." Then she saw Edward's horrified expression. "Sorry, Edward. I won't break your piano. Don't worry."

"I hate you, Alice," Edward said pleasantly.

Bella looked thoughtful, then laughed as an idea occurred to her. "Truth or dare, Jacob?" she asked.

"Dare, of course," Jacob answered.

Bella was still laughing. "OK, then. I dare you to…dramatic pause…dramatic pause…"

"Say it already!" Leah said.

"Dramatic pause…dramatic pause…"

"I'm scared," said Jacob. "Does this have anything to do with makeup brushes?"

"No. But that's a good idea. Where was I? Oh! Dramatic pause…_stay away from Nessie for a week!_"

"Ye gods!" Nessie said. She said that a lot.

"Oh gosh…I don't know…" said Jacob.

"Okay, that's fine," said Bella. "What embarrassing personal question would you like to answer?"

"Fine. I accept." Jacob said, then added sarcastically, "Thanks." He looked at Leah. "Truth or dare, Leah?"

"Dare," Leah answered unenthusiastically.

Jacob was smiling again. "Valentine's Day is tomorrow. I dare you to…send Mike Newton a Valentine's Day card!"

Leah looked even less enthusiastic. "I hate you. But I accept. Better than the questions you would ask me."

Jacob was laughing. "Oh! And the card has to-"

"I accepted," said Leah. "You can't change the conditions."

"Darn it," said Jacob. Leah threw her dirty shoe at him. Coincidentally, The Truth Or Dare game ended then.

And so, Leah Clearwater bought the most boring Valentine's Day card she could find (all it said was "Happy Valentine's Day," and it was made from blank white paper) and sent it to Mike Newton. As she put the envelope on the mailbox, Jacob, Seth, Rosalie, Emmett, Edward, Bella, and Alice applauded. Only Nessie, who stood about twenty feet away from Jacob, appeared to feel the least bit sorry for her.

Meanwhile, in a small house in Forks, Washington, Mike Newton opened an envelope to find a plain white card signed, "Leah Clearwater." Mike then jumped ten feet into the air and screamed, "Yes! I _knew _she liked me!"

And this was only the beginning…

**Coming up next: Wha'd ya talk? Where d'you get it? "Rock Island"...TWILIGHT STYLE!**


	8. Where Do They Get It?

**Author's Note: Jacob's really long "You need to remember the band, etc." line is a version of the "Biscuit in an airtight sanitary package made the cracker barrel obsolete" line from the actual song. That is why Jacob was thinking of snack food. But he didn't know what kind of snack food, so he just mentioned pretzels. (At practice for the musical, somebody randomly said, "I like pretzels." That's where I got the idea.)**

**Chapter 8**

**Where **_**Do**_** They Get It?**

"This is hard," Jacob said. He was standing in a corner facing the wall. "This is very, very hard."

"What?" asked Alice.

"Staying away from Nessie," Jacob replied. "She is walking down the stairs right now. I know that. For a fact. Wait…wait…now she's walking past Edward's piano…she's about to play something on the piano!"

"I'm not going to ask how he knows all this," said Alice as loud piano playing came from the other room.

"It's a little annoying, considering that this is _my_ daughter he's talking about," Bella said. Nessie played a G major scale, then a _D_, then a _G_.

(If you read music, here is what Nessie played: in eighth notes, _G A B C D E F# G,_ then in quarter notes, _D _ (below the first _G_)_ G_ (same as the first note she played). Try this on the piano. You might recognize the song it's from. Do re mi fa so la ti do…)

Jacob certainly recognized the song. "Oh great," he said. "Not _that_ song. SHE IS TRYING TO MAKE THIS HARD FOR ME!"

Bella said, "I've got an idea."

"Oh, wonderful," said Edward.

Bella continued. "If Jacob can avoid Nessie for a week, I'll pay him $500. If he can't, he owes me $100 for every time I see him with Nessie."

"You're evil, Bella," said Jacob. "But $500! Okay."

Nessie walked into the room. Jacob turned around and faced the wall. Leah followed Nessie. She looked around, listening. Music was playing on the radio. Edward had started playing the piano. Rosalie was singing softly. Alice was tapping her foot to the music.

"Okay," said Leah. "What is with all the music? It's like you're obsessed with it. It's like…" She paused and waited until she had everyone's attention. "_YOU'RE CRAZY WITH THE MUSIC!_"

Jacob, Seth, Nessie, Bella, Edward, Alice, Jasper, Rosalie, Emmett, Esme, and Carlisle stared at her. Edward was still playing the piano. Leah went on. "Seth—you understand. Music doesn't matter to wolves! Look at this. _Music_ on the radio. _Music _from the piano." She had unknowingly started speaking in time with Edward's piano playing.

So was Seth. "Music—it's like they're singing every time they open their mouths."

Jacob joined in. "Music when we're trying to have a normal conversation. Music—everything they say has something to do with music."

Edward glared at them. "_You _should talk. _I'm _the musician here." He said something else, but he spoke so quickly that it sounded like, "What'd ya talk!"

Rosalie looked around. "I don't see where you're getting all this. What's wrong with music?" She said something else, but she spoke so quickly that it sounded like, "Where d'you get it?"

Edward was getting annoyed. "You don't understand music. You've got to understand music. What'd ya talk?"

Rosalie said, "Where d'you get it?"

Leah stood up. "You can talk all you want. Talk, talk, talk, talk, you can talk all you want, but I'm right." Alice took Leah's seat and started swaying back and forth to the music. Emmett, Jasper, and Jacob copied her.

Edward said, "No, you aren't, no, you aren't. You have to understand music!"

Alice walked over to the piano. "Why, it's music that that started this argument, made us disagree, and now look! 7, 8, 9, 10, 12, 22, 24 minutes we've been arguing—"

"It hasn't been that long," interrupted Edward.

"Shut up," said Alice.

Leah said, "Who's going to pay attention to any kind of music anymore?"

"Wait a minute wait a minute wait a minute!" said Nessie.

"What'd ya talk?" said Edward.

"Where d'you get it?" said Rosalie.

"I don't get it," said Emmett.

"You can talk, you can bicker, you can talk, you can bicker, you can talk, talk, talk, talk—"

"We get the point already," Emmett said.

"—bicker, bicker, bicker, you can talk all you want, but…I'm right. Music is pointless."

"No it isn't!" protested Edward. "No it isn't! You just have to understand it!"

"Music? Pointless?" Jacob said. "Think, Leah, you need to remember the band and the Minuet in G and the other song, the other song, the dance song called 'Shipoopi' that may be very strange but not pointless, and here you say that music is pointless it's people like you who're going to make music obsolete obsolete obsolete!"

Edward's piano playing stopped. Rosalie stared at Jacob. "_Where did you get THAT?_"

"Um," said Jacob. "I don't really know."

"Okay," said Alice. "That was strange."

"Why am I suddenly thinking about snack food?" asked Jacob.

"_WHAT?_" asked everyone else.

Jacob said, "I like pretzels."

"No!" said Alice. "That wasn't it! I don't think they even had pretzels back then. It's supposed to be biscuits. And crackers."

"Yeah!" said Jacob. "Exactly! That was it!"

"What are you two talking about?" asked Jasper.

"We don't know," said Alice. "We haven't the faintest idea."

Edward began playing the piano again. "Snack food? Music? I don't really care—"

"Ever meet a girl by the name of _Jane_?" asked Esme.

Jacob looked at her. "Jane?"

Alice looked up. "Jane?"

Emmett looked confused. "Jane?"

Rosalie flipped her hair over her shoulders. "Jane?"

Carlisle glanced up from the book he had been reading. "Jane?"

Jasper looked worried. "Jane?"

"Ye gods!" said Nessie. "Jane?"

Leah looked at Esme. "Jane?"

Seth stood up. "Jane?"

Edward stopped playing the piano. "Jane?"

Bella looked nervous. "Jane?"

Then everyone said at once, "_NO!_"

"Just a minute just a minute just a minute!" said Nessie.

"I've never heard of any vampire Jane," Jasper said.

"She's a spy for the Volturi!" Edward said, and started playing the piano. "Who don't understand music!"

"Tell us," said Jacob. "What about her? What about her? What about her?"

"I don't know," answered Esme. "I don't know a thing. She might be a spy or she might understand music!"

Jasper asked, "What about her? What about her?"

"I don't know," Esme answered again. "She doesn't care about any of this."

"Any of what?" asked Jasper.

"Music possibly being pointless. Or biscuits." Esme said.

"I still don't get what the big deal about biscuits is," complained Rosalie.

"Jane does music now," said Esme.

"She does what?" asked Rosalie. "She does what?"

"She does music now," Esme replied. "She gets people to talk and tell her secrets by telling them about music! Singing, choirs, bands, orchestras, musicals! She talks about music! Music-"

"Well," interrupted Leah, "I don't know much about music, but I do know music won't get people to talk. It won't make them trust her. Perhaps if—"

"No!" Esme said. "She talks about music, and people trust her! I don't know how she does it, but she learns their secrets by telling them about music! And when the girl talks, certainly vampires listen! What else? She knows they like music! Of course!"

"Of course," agreed Rosalie, Emmett, Alice, and Jasper. "Of course. Of course."

"_BUT SHE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND MUSIC!_" Edward shouted, and struck a loud, crashing chord on the piano.

"Does Jane really go around talking about music now?" asked Bella.

"She does," answered Carlisle. "One of my friends in Europe just told me. Apparently Jane figured out how much vampires like the arts, and—"

"Well, I might like music if I had a few hundred years with nothing to do," Leah said.

"As I was saying," continued Carlisle, "Jane now goes around to all the non-Volturi vampires and talks about music to them. Apparently, they trust her with secrets, and she goes and tells those secrets to the Volturi."

"So she is a spy," said Alice. "Oh! I've got an idea! If she comes here, we pretend to play along, but tell her a bunch of false information!"

"You know," said Edward, "that's a pretty good plan. We ought to give it a try."

"I don't believe it's going to work," said Leah.


	9. Vampires Are Very Touchy

**Chapter 9**

**Vampires Are Very Touchy**

The doorbell rang. Jacob jumped, expecting Jane to walk in.

"Oh," Jacob said. "It's just Mike Newton."

Rosalie stood and walked to the door. "I wonder what that idiot wants." She opened the door.

Sure enough, there was Mike Newton. "Hi everyone!" he said, looking freakishly happy. "Hi! I'm so glad to see all of you! How are you today?" Only then did he realize that he was being ignored. Edward started playing the piano.

Alice smiled pleasantly. "You appear to have realized that you're being ignored. Don't take it personally. We're always like this. I hope you don't mind."

"Um," said Mike. "Uh…nice day, isn't it?" It was raining. "It certainly rains a lot here, I've noticed."

"We are aware of that," said Edward. "We live here too."

"Oh," Mike said. "Well, I like rain. It's nice."

"No, it isn't," said Rosalie. "It ruins my hairstyle."

"Your hair looks beautiful," Mike said, and Emmett glared at him. "And rain isn't that bad."

Alice was still smiling. "She's not going to agree with you, you realize. We're very stubborn. We could argue for weeks and not agree. I believe there's a song that could describe it…

"_We can by cold as our falling thermometers in December__  
If you ask about our weather in July,__  
And we're so gosh darn stubborn we can stand touching noses__  
For a week at a time and never see eye to eye…  
But what the heck? You're welcome…_"

"Um…Alice?" asked Edward. "Why are you singing _Iowa Stubborn_?"

"I don't know," answered Alice. "I haven't the faintest idea."

"Okay," said Mike. "That was strange."

Edward stopped playing the piano. Mike stepped inside. "Um…Hi, Alice! Hi, Bella! Hi, Rosalie! Hi, Renesmee! Hi, Esme! HI LEAH!" Awkward silence. "Oh," said Mike. "Sorry. Hi, Jasper. Hi, Edward. Hi, Emmett. Hi, Jacob. Hi, Carlisle."

Seth looked very offended.

"Hi, Seth," Mike said. "Hey! Why is everyone looking all angry at me?"

No answer.

"Was it something I said?"

Alice stopped smiling. "You seriously don't know what you did?"

"No!" said Mike. "What did I do?"

Alice laughed evilly. "I'll let you figure it out."

"So," said Edward. "What are you doing here, other than annoying us?"

"I'm having a party this Saturday. So I wanted to ask all of you if you want to come. And if I can have the party in your backyard." Mike seemed unaware that everyone was staring at him like he'd gone insane.

"No," Edward said.

"Please?" asked Mike. "Please at least come to the party, even if it can't be in your backyard?"

"No," Carlisle said.

"Please?" asked Mike.

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

Edward started playing the piano again.

"We have all day," said Alice. "We have all week. We could argue with you for the entire week, and we would still not have changed our minds. Speaking of that…

"_We can be cold as our falling thermometers in December  
If you ask about our weather in July,  
And we're so gosh darn stubborn we could stand touching noses  
For a week at a time and never see eye to eye…  
But what the heck? You're welcome!  
Glad to have you with us…  
Even though we may not ever mention it again…_"

"Um…Alice?" asked Edward. "Why are you singing _Iowa Stubborn_?"

"I don't know," answered Alice. "I haven't the faintest idea."

"Okay," said Mike. "That was strange."

"But we'll think about this party," Alice said.

"Good!" Mike said. "Bella—remember all our friends from high school? They'll all be there, and-"

"We'll think about it," said Bella.

"Oh, well," said Mike, moving towards the door. "I tried. I'll be back later! Tell me what you think! Please?"

"Go," said Edward. Mike left. Edward stopped playing the piano.

"Good job, Alice," said Jacob. "You scared him away."

"MWAHAHA!" said Alice.


	10. PANIC ATTACK!

**Chapter 10**

**PANIC ATTACK!**

Meanwhile, at an airport in New York City…

"Alec!" Jane said. "What are you doing here? I thought you were still in Volterra!"

"Aro sent me," Jane's brother replied. "He wanted to make sure you arrived safely."

Jane laughed. "Oh, he knows I'll be fine. Really, what are you doing here?"

"I told you, I'm supposed to make sure you arrive safely. I know you prefer air travel; swimming ruins your hairstyle. Where are you going from here?"

"I'm going to Washington state," Jane answered. "Time to visit the Cullens. See if I can learn any useful information."

"Oh. Wish I could come. Tell me, how will you go about getting this information? How are you going to start the pitch?"

Jane said nothing, but waved her hands as though conducting an orchestra.

"Music?" Alec was surprised.

Jane smiled. "You know how much the Cullens like music. If I show up and start going on about music, who knows how many secrets they'll let slip? I'm pretty sure they'll fall for it. Then, when I know everything I need, I'll run for my life."

"I like it," said Alec. "Say, don't you want to give them a phone call to let them know you'll be coming?"

"I think I'll do that," Jane said.

Meanwhile, at the Cullens' house…

The phone rang. Alice answered it. "Hello," she said. "This is Alice Cullen. I believe you have called the wrong number. Good-bye."

"Wait!" said the voice at the other end of the phone. "Alice! Just who I wanted to talk to! Perfect!"

For the first time in her quick-thinking vampire existence, Alice was speechless. "Um…" she said. "Who is this?"

"This is Jane," said the cheerful vampire. It had to be a vampire—the voice was too perfect to belong to a human. "Surely you remember me?"

"Um…" Alice said again. "Jane? Like the Volturi girl?"

Jane laughed. "Well, I suppose that could be me. Anyway, I'm just calling to tell you that I'll be dropping by tomorrow to pay you a nice friendly visit. Bye!" Jane hung up.

Alice turned around to find Carlisle and Esme in the doorway, staring at her.

"Was that _Jane?_" asked Carlisle.

"Yes," said Alice. She was getting annoyed. "I've got to go warn the others." She turned and walked down the hall to Jasper's room. "Jasper!" she called from the doorway.

"I heard what you were saying," Jasper said. "So Jane's coming." Jasper was feeling slightly panicked, so of course Alice was too.

"Yes!" Alice said. "Do you realize the amount of disaster indicated by that phone call?"

"Um…" said Jasper. Downstairs, Edward began playing the piano.

Alice spoke before Jasper could say anything else…

"Well, we've got trouble, my friend, trouble, I say, we've got trouble right here, why, obviously I'm a vampire myself, and I think that it isn't that bad to do it like we Cullens do. But as we know, it takes intelligence, that _idiot_ Jane_" _–here Jasper was surprised to hear Alice speak this way about someone—"doesn't have enough of that. And I call that crazy. The first step on the road to disaster…Well, I say, first Jane pays a nice friendly visit, then…they all show up!"

Alice left the room and walked slowly down the hallway. Jasper followed her, and Rosalie and Emmett came too, wanting to know what Alice was going on about this time. Alice was still talking…

"And the next thing you know, we're going to be destroyed. And they all say it's because we broke some rule they made up. Not anything we knew about, no, but something they made up as an excuse to destroy us. Can't you picture that! Terrible, I should say!"

Carlisle and Esme appeared, and Alice addressed them too. "Look here. There's only one, two, three groups like us, who mark the difference—" Alice and her audience had reached the top of the stairs—"between good vampires and those who are evil with a capital E and that rhymes with T and that stands for trouble."

Everyone was listening to Alice now. She stood halfway down the staircase and continued her speech. "Now, I know that all of us here are good people; I'm going to be honest. Remember what happened the _last_ time they came here? We could have died! Could have joined them! And all the while they didn't care at all about us. Imagine this. One day, they all come here, trying to get us out of their way. Assembling a whole army to get rid of us! Don't care what we think, believe we're going to overthrow them, so they destroy us! DISASTER!"

"TROUBLE!" Emmett said. "Right here! With a capital T and that rhymes with J and that…"

Jasper looked at Emmett. "T doesn't rhyme with J."

"_Shh…_" said Emmett. "I never said anything…"

Alice continued. "TROUBLE! Right here! With a capital T and that rhymes with P and that stands for PANIC ATTACK!"

"Panic attack!" echoed Bella.

"We've surely got trouble!" Alice shouted. "Right here! Got to figure out a way to prevent a total disaster!"

"And we are going to have TROUBLE!" Rosalie said.

"Trouble," echoed the others.

"Cullens and Company!" Alice shouted, leaping onto the piano. "Heed my warning before it is too late. Watch for the telltale signs of disaster! When Jane arrives, will you listen to what she says? Will you agree with her? Will she affect your life in strange ways? If so, my friends…"

"WE'VE GOT TROUBLE!" shouted Jasper, Edward, Bella, Rosalie, Emmett, Jacob, Nessie, and, of course, Alice. (Well, Nessie actually said, "Ye gods! We've got trouble!" but still…) "Right here! With a capital T and that rhymes with P and that stands for PANIC ATTACK!"

"That stands for PANIC ATTACK!" Leah repeated.

"We've surely got trouble, trouble, trouble! Right here!"

"Remember the band and the Twilight Saga!" Jacob said.

"Where did you get _that?_" asked Rosalie.

"I don't know," Jacob answered. "Biscuits. And crackers."

"WE'RE IN TROUBLE!" Alice said. "We're in terrible, terrible trouble! That phone call turned our world upside down!"

"Upside down!" echoed Rosalie and Esme.

"Ye gods!" said Nessie.

"WE'VE GOT TROUBLE! RIGHT HERE! WITH A CAPITAL T! THAT RHYMES WITH P! AND THAT STANDS FOR PANIC ATTACK!"

Alice wasn't standing on the piano anymore, but everyone was still talking/singing as they left the room. "WE'VE GOT TROUBLE! RIGHT HERE! WITH A CAPITAL T AND THAT RHYMES WITH P AND THAT STANDS FOR PANIC ATTACK, STANDS FOR PANIC ATTACK! WE'VE SURELY GOT TROUBLE, TROUBLE, TROUBLE! RIGHT HERE! GOT TO FIGURE OUT A WAY TO PREVENT A TOTAL DISASTER!"

Leah was the only one left in the room. The phone rang. Leah answered it. "HI LEAH!" said Mike Newton. Leah said, "Go away," and hung up.

The phone rang again. Leah answered it. "HI LEAH!" said Mike. Leah said, "Go away," and hung up.

The phone rang. Leah answered it. "Leah, why aren't you talking to me?" asked Mike. Leah said, "Go away," and hung up.

The phone rang. Leah answered it. "Leah, please? Listen to me?" said Mike. Leah said, "No," and hung up.

The phone rang. Leah answered it. "Leah, this is the last time I'm calling you," said Mike.

"GOOD!" Leah said, and slammed down the phone.


	11. If You Don't Mind My Saying So

**Chapter 11**

**If You Don't Mind My Saying So, It's Very Hard To Carry On A Normal Conversation While Edward Is Playing The Piano**

Alice was sitting in a chair and staring out the window, resting after her long "We've got trouble" speech. "I think," she said, "we should get Leah to try singing. I've never heard her sing."

"That's not a bad idea," said Rosalie.

"Yeah," agreed Edward, who was playing the piano.

Just then, Leah walked into the room. "Mike Newton won't stop calling me!"

Rosalie looked up. "Oh? What is he saying?"

"I don't know," Leah answered.

"Didn't he talk to you?"

"He tried."

Rosalie looked very interested. "Did you talk to him?"

"Rosalie, OF COURSE NOT!" shouted Leah.

"If you don't mind my saying so," Rosalie said, "it wouldn't have hurt to find out what Mike Newton wanted."

"I _know_ what Mike Newton wanted," Leah replied coldly.

"Oh really? And what is that?"

"You'll find it in _Breaking Dawn_…"

"Oh my," said Rosalie. "Anyway, we had a great idea right before you came in. Why don't you try singing?"

Leah was shocked. "Singing?"

"Yeah," Alice said. "Just sing a scale or something. Edward! Play the piano for her!"

"Fine," said Leah, then sang as Edward played. "_Do re mi fa so la ti do ti la so fa mi re do. Do mi re fa so ti Edward don't make me sing any higher I am going to hurt you if you don't go back down the scale right now Edward I can't sing this high—_EDWARD CULLEN, STOP IT!"

Instead of going up and down the scale in a single octave (sorry if you don't understand music theory), Edward had continued to play higher and higher until Leah kicked him. However, Edward kept playing scales on the piano.

"I don't sing," said Leah. "Music is pointless. I've said that a lot, but you don't agree with me."

Rosalie sighed, then sang along with Edward's piano playing. "_Neither does anyone else around here._"

Alice started singing too. "_There you go again with that same old comment about music being pointless, despite my best efforts to change your mind._"

Leah was so annoyed that she sang her reply. "_I believe I am entitled to my own personal opinion and I'm very annoyed that everyone here is ignoring everything that I say._"

"Now, Leah," said Rosalie. "_All of us like music and you do not; why should we listen to you when you say that music is pointless; we are entitled to our own opinions too._"

Leah was very annoyed. "Now, Rosalie, _if you don't mind my saying so, you have a bad habit of changing every subject—_"

"_No,_" interrupted Rosalie, "_I wasn't trying to change the subject; we were talking about that person—"_

"What person?" Leah asked.

"_Mike Newton, who may be your very last chance._"

Leah was now very annoyed. "_Now, I think you remember what happened to me when Sam imprinted on Emily, and I have no intention of making anyone feel the way that I did—_"

Rosalie sang, "_Now I know all about that and I'd like to point out that since you're the first girl to be a werewolf"_-Edward was playing higher and higher—"_who knows if you'll even imprint on anyone and if you don't mind my saying so, why wait your entire life to find out"_—Edward was playing the highest notes possible on the piano, and Rosalie was singing very high—"_and by the way, Mike Newton seems like he'd be perfect for you._"

Leah looked like she was about to throw something at Rosalie. "Now, if that isn't the craziest thing I've ever heard…it was also the most high-pitched thing I've ever heard. Ow. That hurt."


	12. Leah? Singing?

**Chapter 12**

_**Leah? Singing?**_

"It's true," said Rosalie.

"ROSALIE!" shouted Leah. "What are you saying?"

"I'm saying," said Rosalie, "that you shouldn't hate Mike Newton until you've talked to him."

"I _did_!" Leah replied.

"Oh?" Rosalie said. "I thought you made a point of not talking to him."

"Whatever," Leah replied. Rosalie stomped out of the room. Edward followed her, leaving Alice and Leah alone.

"That vampire girl annoys me so much," complained Leah. "She's so bossy. She should try talking to Mike Newton for a while and see if she still thinks he'd be perfect for me."

Alice tried to comfort her. "Rosalie doesn't like being a vampire. She'd much rather be human. Try not to be too hard on her."

"I _do!_" protested Leah. "But she's so hard on me…"

Alice sighed. "I know. Calm down."

Leah stared at the floor. "I know she's just trying to be helpful. And not succeeding, if you don't mind my saying so. But the worst part is, I think she might be right about Mike."

Alice looked at her. "What do you mean?"

"I mean," said Leah, "that Mike is the only person, human or otherwise, who likes me. I'm starting to think that Rosalie was right about him being my last chance."

"He isn't," Alice replied. "Don't worry. You have plenty of time. There will be someone else."

"No," Leah said. "No one will like me once they find out I'm a wolf."

"What about other wolves?"

"Oh no. I'm not going through that again. Do you have any idea what that was like for me? I…"

Alice stood up. "I know. Don't worry about any of that now. As I was saying, about the singing…"

Leah was horrified. "Singing? Me? I will not sing! I refuse to sing!"

"Please?"

"Fine. One song. Just one."

"YES!" Alice jumped into the air. "YES! I GOT LEAH TO SING! Edward! Come play the piano! I got Leah to sing!"

Instantly Edward appeared and sat down at the piano. Alice shoved music into Leah's hands and leapt onto the piano. Edward began playing a simple melody, and Leah sang:

_Goodnight, my someone, goodnight, my love,  
Sleep tight, my someone, sleep tight, my love,  
Our star I can't hit this note it is to high is shining its brightest light  
For goodnight, my love, for goodnight…_

Surprisingly, Leah had a beautiful voice.

_Sweet dreams be yours, dear,  
If dreams there be,  
Sweet dreams to carry you close to me…_

Jacob and Nessie appeared in the doorway, listening. Nessie thought the music was so beautiful that she started Leah started making up her own lyrics…

_Alice is forcing me to sing this song,  
And it is annoying, I say,  
But maybe music isn't that pointless,  
And singing is not really that bad…_

_I think that Alice chose this song  
Because of what we were talking about before.  
But now I'll sing the correct lyrics…  
So goodnight, my someone, goodnight…_

_ Goodnight…_

_ Goodnight I can't hit this note…_

_ Goodnight…_

Applause came from every corner of the Cullens' mansion.

**COMING UP NEXT IN THE MUSICTWILIGHT SAGA: ****Bella stands on the piano, Jacob makes her fall off, Edward yells at him, Nessie defends Jacob, Jasper forgets the words to the Gettysburg Address, and another argument starts. Alice and Jane have a perfect solution to the problem of people who argue too much: Music!**


	13. Remember The Band

**Note: The story behind "ah, spontaneous dance"-_  
Overheard at rehearsal-Actor to director: "Should I come onstage at the beginning of the scene, or should I just enter and be like, 'Ah! Spontaneous dance!'?"_**

**Chapter 13**

**Remember The Band**

The next morning, all of the Cullens, Jacob, Leah, and Seth assembled in the main room of the mansion, the room that held Edward's piano.

"Listen! People!" shouted Bella.

Alice jumped up. "Bella has an announcement to make! Remember your dare! Stand on the piano!"

Bella sighed, glanced apologetically at Edward, then jumped onto the piano. (The top of the piano was closed, making this possible.)

"As I was saying, Jane will be arriving today. I want everyone to be prepared, but please don't get violent. Just be careful what you say around Jane. And one other thing-Jacob, you owe me $100."

Edward was not sitting at the piano, so Jacob sat down on the piano bench. No one noticed him—Bella was still talking. Jacob chose this moment to hit the keys of the piano very hard.

A loud noise echoed through the house. Startled, Bella fell backwards off the piano. Edward caught her.

"WHO HIT THE PIANO?" Edward shouted.

Rosalie pointed at Jacob. "It was Jacob!"

"Sorry, Bella," said Jacob. "I'm not here. I'm not here. I'm not here. I'm not-"

"Shut up," said Edward. "Was that supposed to be funny?"

"Look, I'm sorry, okay?" Jacob said. "I didn't know Bella would fall over."

"Well, you-" Edward began, but Nessie interrupted him.

"Jacob said he was sorry!" Nessie said. "He didn't mean to make her fall off the piano! Stop yelling at him! Ye gods!"

Edward looked very annoyed, but said nothing. Alice left the room for reasons unknown to anyone but her.

Jasper said, "This is crazy! Four score and seven…wait! Ironically, Jasper has forgotten the words to the Gettysburg address!"

"I cannot believe what Jacob did!" Edward said. "He must be crazy!"

"Yes," said Jasper. "Four score…"

"Stop reciting the Gettysburg Address!" said Edward.

"Fine," Jasper said. "We the people…"

"SHUT UP!"

Edward left the room after Bella, then returned a few moments later. "Bella…" he said, "will recover because she was never hurt in the first place. Jacob, I will talk to you later."

"Oh, great," said Jacob sarcastically.

"Everyone is arguing! It's terrible!" shouted Alice from somewhere else in the house.

"But we have a solution for that problem!" shouted someone else who sounded a lot like Jane.

Alice entered, with Jane behind her. Instead of her gray cloak, Jane wore a sky-blue cloak with a neon purple polka-dotted music note on it. The two vampire girls jumped onto the piano.

"Hello, everyone. As you know, I'm Alice, and this is Jane, and we have a way to stop everyone from arguing!" Alice said. "Listen to Jane!"

Jane said, "May I have your attention , please. Attention, please! I can deal with this TROUBLE, my friends, with a wave of my hand…this very hand!" She held up her right hand. Then she paused. looked at her right hand, then at her left hand. "Or maybe it was this hand. I forget which one it was."

No one said anything. A cricket named Bob chirped somewhere in the house.

Jane continued, "Please listen. I am here with the perfect solution to the problem of people who argue too much…MUSIC! Just think, my friends, how can people disagree when faced with the amazing creativity of music! Remember how important music has been in history—remember…THE BAND! Our wonderful idea was to bring music here! And to bring music to the entire world! And you will hear the glimmer of cymbals…and see the rolling thunder of drums…"

"Uh, Jane?" said Alice. "Don't you mean '_see_ the glimmer of cymbals,' and '_hear_ the rolling thunder of drums,' ?"

"That's what I said," Jane said.

"No," said Alice. "You said, 'hear the glimmer of cymbals and see the rolling thunder of drums.'"

"I said no such thing!" said Jane.

"So much for music preventing arguments," said Jacob.

"Whatever," Jane said. "REMEMBER THE BAND! First, music here, then, we bring music to the entire world!" Edward, who liked music even if he disliked Jane, sat down at the piano and started playing. Jane began to sing. _"Seventy-six trombones led the big parade…with a hundred and ten cornets close at hand…"_ She had a very high-pitched voice.

"_Seventy-six trombones caught the morning sun  
With a hundred and ten cornets right behind…"_

Nessie, Jacob, Jasper, and Emmett started swaying back and forth in time with the music. Alice, still standing on the piano, started dancing.

When Jane reached the third verse, everyone sang along.

"_Seventy-six trombones hit the counterpoint  
While a hundred and ten cornets blazed away.  
To the rhythm of 'Harch! Harch! Harch!'  
The band began to march  
And they're marching still right today!"_

"Remember the band!" cried Jane. "Spontaneous dance!"

And there was spontaneous dance. Nessie, Bella, Rosalie, and Esme stood in the center of the room, twirling around and pretending to play flutes. Alice stood on the piano directing the music.

"_Seventy-six trombones hit the counterpoint  
While a hundred and ten cornets blazed away.  
To the rhythm of 'Harch! Harch! Harch!'  
The band began to march  
And they're marching still right today!"_


	14. The Quartet With Two Invisible Members

**Chapter 14**

**The Quartet With Two Invisible Members**

"We should form a band!" Alice said. "Hmm…Rosalie, you play the flute! Bella, you can play the clarinet! Jasper will play the saxophone, Edward can play the trumpet, and Emmett will play the trombone. I'll play percussion! REMEMBER THE BAND!"

Esme and Carlisle stared at the girls blankly, Rosalie and Bella looked confused, Edward was slightly annoyed, but Emmett and Jasper seemed enthusiastic. "This is actually a good idea." Jasper said. "Remember the band!"

Carlisle said, "I've always liked music. This could be a good idea. There might be some old musical instruments in the attic. Why don't you look up there?"

"I'll go check," said Bella. "Learning to play a musical instrument could be fun." Bella left the room, followed by Rosalie. Esme, Carlisle, Leah, and Seth also left.

Jane stepped down from the piano. "Remember the band," she said. Edward glared at her.

The doorbell rang. "Come in," called Carlisle from another room. Mike Newton entered.

"Hi, everyone!" said Mike. Carlisle came back into the room. Mike said, "I just came to see if you'd decided anything about the party."

"No, we haven't decided anything," Carlisle replied.

"Well, in that case—" Mike Newton began.

"Edward, don't attack Jacob," said Carlisle. "Mike Newton, I'll talk to you about this party business tomorrow morning." He left the room.

"Okay," said Mike Newton. "Goodbye!" Mike left the house.

Nessie walked over to Alice, and the two of them began discussing music.

"Goodbye!" Jacob said, and attempted to leave. Edward jumped in front of him.

"Wait…I wanted to talk to you about something," Edward said. "I know you don't like me, but that was no excuse to hit the piano or whatever it was you did. You are driving me crazy!"

"Uh…sorry," said Jacob.

"There's something else I wanted to talk to you about too—Renesmee. I'd like to know why—"

"Look, I can't help it, okay?" Jacob said.

"I think you can! By the way, you owe Bella two hundred dollars. I saw you talking to Renesmee!"

"I hate Truth Or Dare," Jacob said. "This is so pointless!"

"Why, you—you—"

Jane stepped forward. "Wait! Stop arguing, stop arguing! Why are you yelling at him? What did he do?"

"Well, since you asked," said Edward. "He—"

"I'm sorry!" Jacob said.

"I'm leaving!" said Edward, and went upstairs.

"Why was he angry at you?" Jane asked Jacob.

"It's a long story," Jacob replied. "We've hated each other for, well…just about forever."

"You're a wolf," Jane said. "Of course he'd hate you."

"I feel like I'm supposed to be saying something right now," Jacob said. "Like how you say, 'Remember the band,' and Jasper says the Gettysburg Address, and stuff like that."

Jane laughed.

"I'm not going to ask what's so funny," said Jacob.

"Good," said Jane. Alice, who had overheard, walked over, leaving Nessie looking at the piano and not paying much attention to the conversation.

"I know you were talking about this music thing," Jacob said, "and you assigned people musical instruments, but you never told me to do anything. I like music. It isn't pointless."

"Of course music isn't pointless," Alice said. "Crackers and biscuits, right?"

"Yeah," said Jacob. "I still haven't figured out why talking about music not being pointless should make me think of snack food."

Alice looked at Jane, and both of them started laughing.

"Anyway," said Jane, "Music isn't limited to bands. There's singing, dancing…"

"Dancing," repeated Alice. "Hmm…"

"NOT THAT SONG!" shouted Jane. "NOT THE RANDOM POINTLESS SOMEWHAT-ANNOYING DANCE SONG THAT MAKES ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE AND COULD EASILY BE THE STRANGEST SONG EVER WRITTEN! NOT THAT SONG!"

"It isn't pointless!" Jacob protested. "It is very pointful!"

"Pointful?" Alice said.

"Yes. Pointful."

"So, Jacob," Jane said. "Maybe you could do something…there's really a lot of music-related things! Hmm…" She looked at Nessie, who was attempting to play the piano. "And someone else could help you…who's that?"

"That's Renesmee," whispered Alice.

"Renesmee!" said Jane.

Nessie looked up from the piano. "Oh! I'm sorry. I didn't know you were talking to _me_…ye gods!" Renesmee walked over to the others.

"Hello, Renesmee," said Jane. "I know that the others are starting a band, but I don't think you're doing anything?"

Nessie still looked slightly startled. "Oh! Well, Alice was telling me about the piano, but other than that…ye gods!" she added, noticing Jacob.

"All right," Jane said. "How would you and Jacob like to help me bring music to the entire world?"

"Uh…" said Nessie. "Do you have anything in mind for us to do?"

"Oh, not really," Jane replied. "Just think of something. You and Jacob."

Jacob and Renesmee smiled at each other. "That's a good idea," said Jacob. The two of them turned to leave the room. As they walked away, Jacob added, "That's a _very_ good idea." Jane did not catch the double meaning there.

Alice looked at Jane. "You're doing a good job with the whole spread-the-music-obsession thing, but you made a few mistakes. First, I think you should know that Edward thinks of himself as the musician and has no tolerance for people who, as he says, 'don't understand music.' I think you're starting to annoy him already. And the other thing…Edward and Jacob hate each other, and Renesmee—Nessie—is Edward's daughter. Enough said. Do you see the sort of chaos you're beginning to cause?"

"All right," said Jane. "I'll be a bit more careful."

Emmett and Jasper walked over. "Jane!" called Jasper. "We want to know what you're doing here!"

Jane looked shocked. "Oh my! What is this! Wait…perfect! You can be a singing group!"

"We'll form a quartet!" Emmett said.

"Problem," said Jasper. "There are only two of us."

"Too bad," said Emmett. "Until somebody else joins, we will be…THE QUARTET WITH TWO INVISIBLE MEMBERS!"

"The Quartet With Two Invisible Members," said Jane. "I like it. Let's see…what should you sing?"

"Oh!" Emmett said. "I thought of something!"

"What?" asked Jane.

"ICE CREAM!" sang Jasper and Emmett. They were very out of tune.

"Ouch," said Jane. "I mean, wonderful! Amazing! Marvelous! Already the magical powers of music are affecting each and every one of us! This is great! From now on, whenever you see these two, they will always be singing! Here's a quartet song: _How can there be…_"

"Wow!" said Emmett. "I've never heard that song before but somehow I know all the words!"

"Me too!" Jasper said. "This is amazing!"

They started singing:

_"How can there be any sin in sincere?  
Is there no good in goodbye?"_

They were very out-of-tune but didn't seem to care.

_"Your apprehensions confuse me, dear,  
Puzzle and mystify…  
Tell me what can be fair in farewell, dear?  
While one single star shines above  
How can there be any sin in sincere?  
Aren't we sincerely in love?  
Ice cream ice cream ice cream!"_

Edward entered, curious about the horrible noise that Jasper and Emmett believed to be music. "What the heck is going on here?"

"We're a quartet!" said Emmett.

"There are only two of you," observed Edward.

"We're the Quartet With Two Invisible Members!" Jasper said. "Would you like to join? Then we'd be the Quartet With One Invisible Member!"

"No thank you!" Edward said, and left very quickly.

The Quartet kept singing as they walked into a different room. Carlisle stared at them. "Before you ask," he said. "No, I would not like to join your quartet. With two invisible members."

"Darn it," said Emmett.

Jacob walked into the room. "A Quartet?" he said. "Cool!"

"You should join!" Jasper told him.

"No thank you," Jacob replied. "Renesmee and I are already contributing to the overall music obsession."

"Well," Emmett said, "maybe being the Quartet With Two Invisible Members isn't so bad."

The doorbell rang.

**COMING UP NEXT IN THE MUSICTWILIGHT SAGA: Mike Newton is an idiot. Why? Mike likes Leah. Enough said.**


	15. Mike Newton Is An Idiot

**Chapter 15**

**Mike Newton Is An Idiot**

As I said in my last story, the doorbell rang. Edward went to the door and opened it.

There was Mike Newton.

Again.

"GO AWAY, YOU IDIOT!" Edward screamed. Mike Newton ran away and got into his car, which was parked halfway up the Cullens' long driveway. Edward turned and walked inside.

"That idiot drives me crazy," complained Edward. "I could hear his thoughts, and the way he thinks of the girls…I tell you, he is thinking some very inappropriate things about married women."

"I hate Mike Newton," said Leah, who had come to hear who Edward was screaming at. "He annoys me even more than bloodsuckers do. And that's saying a lot."

"Hey!" Emmett said indignantly. "Was that an insult?"

"Yes," said Leah.

"I can still hear his thoughts," Edward said. "He hasn't left yet. "He's sitting out there in the driveway, thinking things I don't want to repeat."

"Oh?" Emmett said. "Like what?"

"Well," said Edward, "if I said them, just about everyone here would rush out there and kill Mike. And I don't want that to happen."

"I thought you hated Mike," said Emmett.

"I do," Edward replied. "I don't want all of you to go kill him because…I want to kill him first."

Emmett said, "Oh."

"Please tell us what he's thinking," Leah requested. "I promise I'll let you eat him first. As long as I can have the leftovers."

Edward smiled. "Fine, but I wanted to save some for Bella."

"So much for not eating humans. What's Mike thinking about?" asked Leah.

Yes, Mike really was sitting out in the driveway. But Edward had left out one detail: Mike was watching the Cullens' house through binoculars.

"Well," Edward began, "he's watching us through binoculars."

"STALKER!" Leah shouted.

"Exactly," said Edward. "He's thinking 'if they see me, they'll think I'm a stalker.' Hmm…Mike says, 'Too bad. I don't care. Maybe if they're coming, I can put the binoculars away really fast.'"

He really thought that. Mike Newton's thoughts were going something like this…

_Perfect! There's my binoculars. Let's see…out of focus…there! I hope they don't catch me looking at them. They'd think I was a stalker. Too bad. I don't care. Maybe, if I see them coming, I can put the binoculars away really fast. _

_Maybe I am a stalker, sort of. Huh. Creepy. Oh well. I'm bored, and I like watching them. There's someone in the window there…oh. It's Alice. I like her. Too bad she likes Jasper. I wonder why Jasper always looks like he's in pain. Alice shoved me out the window when I asked her out. So I gave up on Alice._

"Can I kill Mike?" asked Jasper. Mike was thinking…

_Alice is a little strange, anyway. Like that time I came over and she was singing that song? Weird! And Rosalie's a bit of a dumb-blonde. Bella—I tried! But she liked Cullen better. I don't see why. He looked at her like she was…edible! He still does, a little. It's creepy. I tried to protect her from him, but no, she said that Jessica liked me. Jessica...well…I don't know. She seemed…like, she thought she was so perfect somehow._

The rest of the Cullens and Co., except for Jacob and Nessie, had showed up to listen to Edward, and all of them wanted to kill Mike. Mike was thinking…

_And then there's Leah. Leah is confusing. She sent me that card a few days ago, but it seems like she hates me. Probably true. For some reason, a lot of people do. I can't see why. Anyway, now that I think about it, Leah probably hates me. I just remembered something! I heard this gossip that Leah and Sam used to be together, until Sam fell in love with that other girl. I forgot her name._

_Maybe that's why Leah doesn't like me. She doesn't want something like that to happen again. She probably thinks she's being smart, avoiding guys, but she must still be so sad…oh well. Sadder but wiser. That's part of why I like her._

Inside the Cullens' house, Alice and Jane burst out laughing when Edward relayed this information to them.

"Did this Mike Newton just say, 'sadder but wiser'? Does he have any idea what he's quoting?" asked Jane.

"I haven't the faintest idea," replied Alice.

Edward looked around, listening to Jacob's thoughts. "Jacob owes Bella another $100," he commented.

Jacob owed Bella $300 now. Edward and Bella dashed off to find him.

**COMING UP NEXT IN THE MUSICTWILIGHT SAGA: The ladies of the Cullens and Co. have a lot to say about Leah. They also have a lot to sing about her. Cheep cheep cheep!**


	16. Cheep Cheep Cheep

**Chapter 16**

**Cheep Cheep Cheep**

Nessie dashed into the room. "Jacob's in big trouble!"

"Surprise, surprise," said Rosalie sarcastically.

"I'm going to go find Jacob," said Leah. "Maybe if I help him avoid Edward and Bella, it will annoy the bl—I mean, Cullens." She left in search of Jacob.

"You missed something very interesting," Alice said to Nessie. "Edward was telling us about what Mike Newton was thinking."

"I'm sorry I missed that," said Nessie. "What was Mike thinking?"

"He likes Leah," Esme replied. "As in, he loves her."

"Poor Leah," commented Nessie.

"What's the deal with Leah?" asked Jane. "I know she's a wolf, but she seems…I don't know…"

"Well, since you asked…" began Rosalie, but Alice, Esme, Nessie, and Bella (who had returned from her search for Jacob) began talking all at once.

"They way you're all gossiping about her reminds me of a song," said Jane.

"Oh!" exclaimed Rosalie. "I know that song!" She sang:

_"Pick-a-little, talk-a-little, pick-a-little, talk-a-little,  
Cheep-cheep-cheep, talk-a-lot, pick-a-little-more,"_

Alice sang the next lines.

_"Pick-a-little, talk-a-little, pick-a-little, talk-a-little,  
Cheep-cheep-cheep, talk-a-lot, pick-a-little-more,"_

Then all the girls joined in.

_"Pick-a-little, talk-a-little, pick-a-little, talk-a-little,  
Cheep-cheep-cheep, talk-a-lot, pick-a-little-more,  
Pick-a-little, talk-a-little, pick-a-little, talk-a-little,  
Cheep-cheep-cheep-cheep, cheep-cheep-cheep-cheep…"_

As the others continued singing, Alice said, "Jane, I'm not surprised that Leah isn't contributing to our music thing."

"She thinks that music is pointless!" added Rosalie.

"Pointless!" cried Jane.

"Yes!" said Esme. "And the worst part is…"

"We probably shouldn't even tell you this, but…" interrupted Bella.

"I heard about it first, let _me_ tell!" said Alice.

"STOP!" shouted Rosalie, and the singing stopped. "_I'll_ tell. She fell in love with a guy who said he liked her…then left her and fell in love with her cousin Emily! Sam Uley!"

"Sam?" asked Jane. "Isn't he the leader of one of the wolf packs?"

"Oh, yes," said Alice, "and that's what caused it. You know how wolves will imprint on people? Sam imprinted on Leah's cousin. And Leah's been bitter ever since. She may seem nice…"

Rosalie interrupted with, "Just melt her down and you'll reveal a lump of lead as cold as steel right here, where a woman's heart should be!"

"You really should talk," murmured Nessie. Luckily, Rosalie didn't notice.

"_He fell in love with Emily and completely forgot about _her!" sang Rosalie, Alice, and Bella.

"_Cheep-cheep-cheep!"_ sang the others.

Just then, Jasper and Emmett, who had left when the girls started singing, walked back into the room. "We're the Quartet With Two Invisible Members, and we want to know what you're doing here!" Jasper said.

"Oh," said Jane. "Yes. I will gladly explain…somewhere where there isn't so much noise. If you'll follow me…oh! Just a moment!" She turned to the still-singing girls. "_Goodnight, ladies._"

"OH MY CARLISLE!" shouted Emmett. "IT'S A SONG!" He and Jasper began singing in terrible two-part harmony.

_"Goodnight, ladies,  
Goodnight, ladies,  
Goodnight, ladies,  
We're going to leave you now."_

They really had intended to leave…until Jane mentioned the song. Then they just wanted to sing! (I know. Kind of scary.)

Jane, however, did leave. "Looks like they just got _foiled by music!_"she said to herself.

The others were still singing.

_ "Pick-a-little, talk-a-little, pick-a-little, talk-a-little,  
Cheep-cheep-cheep, talk-a-lot, pick-a-little-more,  
Pick-a-little, talk-a-little, pick-a-little, talk-a-little,  
Cheep-cheep-cheep, talk-a-lot, pick-a-little-more,  
Pick-a-little, talk-a-little, pick-a-little, talk-a-little,  
Cheep-cheep-cheep, talk-a-lot, pick-a-little-more,  
Pick-a-little, talk-a-little, pick-a-little, talk-a-little,  
Cheep-cheep-cheep-cheep, cheep-cheep-cheep-cheep…"_

_ "Goodnight, ladies,  
Goodnight, ladies,  
Goodnight, ladies,  
We're going to leave you now."_

_ "Pick-a-little, talk-a-little, pick-a-little, talk-a-little,  
Cheep-cheep-cheep, talk-a-lot, pick-a-little-more,  
Pick-a-little, talk-a-little, pick-a-little, talk-a-little,  
Cheep-cheep-cheep, talk-a-lot, pick-a-little-more,  
Pick-a-little, talk-a-little, pick-a-little, talk-a-little,  
Cheep-cheep-cheep, talk-a-lot, pick-a-little-more,  
Pick-a-little, talk-a-little, pick-a-little, talk-a-little,  
Cheep-cheep-cheep-cheep, cheep-cheep-cheep-cheep…"_

_ "Farewell, ladies,  
Farewell, ladies,  
Farewell, ladies,  
We're going to leave you now."_

"_Pick-a-little, talk-a-little, pick-a-little, talk-a-little,  
Cheep-cheep-cheep, talk-a-lot, pick-a-little-more,  
Pick-a-little, talk-a-little, pick-a-little, talk-a-little,  
Cheep-cheep-cheep, talk-a-lot, pick-a-little-more,  
Pick-a-little, talk-a-little, pick-a-little, talk-a-little,  
Cheep-cheep-cheep, talk-a-lot, pick-a-little-more,  
Pick-a-little, talk-a-little, pick-a-little, talk-a-little,  
Cheep-cheep-cheep-cheep, cheep-cheep-cheep-cheep,  
Cheep-cheep-cheep-cheep, cheep-cheep-cheep-cheep,  
Cheep-cheep-cheep-cheep, cheep-cheep-cheep-cheep,  
PICK-A-LITTLE TALK-A-LITTLE CHEEP!"_

**COMING UP NEXT IN THE MUSICTWILIGHT SAGA: Mike tries to get Leah's attention. He fails miserably. How? It's a long-lost cause he could never win...**


	17. And Did We Mention Mike Is An Idiot?

**The "Twizzler" line comes from the "Marshmallow?" line after the actual song. I changed it to "Twizzler?" because, if you look closely while watching the Twilight Movie, people are randomly eating, carrying, and tossing around pieces of red licorice! It's a bit strange...**

**Chapter 17**

**And Did We Mention That Mike Newton Is An Idiot?**

The following morning, Mike Newton walked up to the Cullens' house (don't worry, he did go home overnight), rang the doorbell, and when no one answered, walked inside. Leah stood in the front room, reading a book.

"Hello," said Mike. "I know everything, and I don't care at all."

"I don't know what you're talking about," said Leah, and went back to reading her book.

Edward began playing the piano.

"I know you're unhappy about what happened before, but I'm sure you've gotten over it by now. Sadder but wiser."

"Go away," said Leah, without looking up from her book.

"You're not listening, Leah!" said Mike. "_LEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAH…"_

Edward continued to play the piano.

Mike picked up a vase from an end table. "Very interesting…very pretty. I think I'll drop it."

Leah didn't care about the vase, but if it were broken, she would be blamed. "NO!" she shouted.

"_LEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAH…"_ sang Mike, who could not sing very well.

_ "What can I say, my dear, to catch your ear?  
I love you madly, madly, madly, Leah, Leah!"_

"I've noticed that you spend a lot of time at the Cullens' house," said Mike. "So…

_Heaven help us if the house were destroyed in an earthquake  
And Alice and Bella and Rosalie had to whisper the news to LEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAH…  
LEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAH…_

_What can I do, my dear, to make it clear  
I need you badly, badly, badly, Leah, Leah!  
If I stumbled and I busted my whatchamacallit,  
Would I lie on the floor unnoticed and I don't know what rhymes with LEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAH…"_

Edward switched the music to a slower tempo. Mike tried unsuccessfully to get Leah to dance.

_"Now in the moonlight I could sing it, in the moonlight…  
And I would know that Leah had heard every word of my song  
With the moonlight helping along…"_

Edward returned to playing his original melody, and Mike continued singing.

_"But when I try in here to tell you, dear  
I love you madly, madly, madly, Leah, Leah!_

_ It's a long-lost cause I could never win,  
For a civilized world accepts it's unforgivable sin,  
But I can't think of words that fit my current situation  
With LEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAH…"_

Mike decided that talking wasn't the best way to make Leah notice him, so he tried to get her attention without talking. Edward continued to play the piano.

Alice was in the room too, innocently reading a book. Now she put down the book and began tapping her feet to the music. It really was very catchy.

Rosalie, Nessie, and Bella appeared in the doorway. Alice motioned for them to come in.

"What—" began Rosalie as she sat down.

"_Shh,_" said Alice, in perfect time with the music. "Don't let them notice us. This is very entertaining."

"Wha—"

"_Shh_." In perfect time with the music again.

The four girls began tapping their feet and swaying back and forth to the music. Alice stood up, almost dancing. She tossed the book into the air, then caught it. Nessie did the same with a magazine and twirled around in a circle. Alice tossed her the book. Leah was so busy ignoring Mike that she didn't notice the four girls dancing in the back of the room.

Edward began playing the slow music again.

"I HEAR MUSIC!" came a voice from another room.

"Jacob hears music," said Rosalie.

"Jacob is going to owe me $100," said Bella. "Second time today. That's $500 now."

Jacob entered the room. Nessie danced over to him. They tried to dance together, but Nessie had never put down the book. So they ended up dancing while both holding onto the book. Alice spun in circles while holding the magazine. Rosalie looked at the three of them like they were crazy, which they probably were.

"Now presenting…_The Ballet Of The Books_," she said softly.

Nessie and Jacob noticed Bella watching and exited the room in opposite directions. "You never saw _anything,_" said Jacob as he left.

Edward switched back to playing the other music.

Mike started singing again. Did I mention that he couldn't sing?

_"But when I try in here to make it clear  
I love you madly, madly, madly, Leah, Leah!_

_ It's a long-lost cause I could never win,  
For a civilized world accepts it's unforgiveable sin,  
But I can't think of words that fit my current situation,  
With …_

Leah was still ignoring Mike. He was not giving up yet, though. "I hear they're starting a band and a singing group," he said. Then, changing the subject completely, he pulled a bag of candy out of his pocket. "Twizzler?"

Leah didn't respond.

"_LEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAH__…_" sang Mike. Then he kissed her cheek and walked out of the room.

"Um…okay…that was strange…" said Leah.

**COMING UP NEXT: Complete chaos...musical chaos! Just remember that Jane started it. Blame Jane.**


	18. Musical Chaos

**Note: Leah's "Music Sketches" are pictures that I drew while sitting backstage at the musical. I don't know if Leah really is artistic or not, but I just wanted to work that detail in somewhere.**

**Chapter 18**

**Musical Chaos**

"I heard that Mike finally got permission to have his party at our house," said Alice.

"I don't know how he did it," commented Jane.

"I haven't the faintest idea," Alice replied. "After all, _we can be cold as our falling thermometers in December if you ask about our weather in July, and we're so gosh darn stubborn we can stand touching noses for a week at a time and never see eye to eye…"_

"But what the heck?" said Jane. "He's welcome! Glad to have him with us, even though we may not ever mention it again."

The two girls burst out laughing. Then, suddenly, Jane jumped into the air. If this were a cartoon, a lightbulb would have appeared over her head. "I've got an idea!" she shouted. "The band and the quartet and everyone should perform at the party!"

"Great idea!" cried Alice.

Thirty seconds later (vampires move very quickly), Jane and Alice were digging through boxes in the Cullens' attic. "If I'm ever bored sometime in the next five centuries, I'll do some cleaning up here," Alice complained.

Jane wiped the dust and cobwebs from her pale, marble-like skin. "That would be a good idea. This place makes the tunnels in Volterra look clean."

Alice would have replied, but she found a giant cardboard box. Opening it, she shrieked, "AHA!"

Jane peered over her shoulder into the box. It contained a snare-drum and sticks. "You wanted to play percussion," Jane said. "Well, here's your percussion!"

Alice lifted the box, then disappeared. In two seconds, she returned empty-handed. "I put it in my room," she said. "Let's look for more."

In about fifteen minutes, the girls had uncovered a flute, a clarinet, an alto saxophone, a trumpet, a trombone, and a cowbell. The trombone was hot pink.

"Emmett will love this trombone," Alice said sarcastically.

"Knowing him, he actually might," Jane replied. She held up the cowbell. "Hmm…now what can we do with this?"

"Put it back," Alice answered. "What is that box labeled?"

"_Annoying Noises,_" Jane read. "I wonder what else is in here." She rummaged through the box, then pulled out a whistle. "Whistle, anybody?"

"I bet we could give this to someone," said Alice. "Like if somebody blew the whistle to announce the band…"

"Let's see…who isn't in the band or the Quartet?" asked Jane.

"_Jacob!_" both girls said at once.

"What?" came Jacob's voice from downstairs.

Alice and Jane leapt down the stairs. "How would you like to help the band?"

"What do I do?" asked Jacob. "Did you find another musical instrument?"

Alice opened her mouth to reply, but Jane answered, "Sort of. You can blow this whistle to tell people that the band is coming!"

Jacob did not share Jane's enthusiasm. "Um…okay," he said. "Sure. I'll do it."

Jane and Alice dashed off to spread the musical chaos, leaving Jacob staring at the whistle. Jane was starting to annoy him.

The Quartet With Two Invisible Members walked in, singing. Jacob looked at them, and they stopped. "What's with the whistle?" asked Jasper.

"I'm not exactly sure myself," Jacob replied. He lowered his voice to a whisper. "The music bloodsucker is—"

"Hey!" Emmett protested.

Jacob understood his complaint. "Fine. The music _vampire_ is really getting on my nerves. Do you think you could…I don't know…sing her away?"

"Sure," said Jasper. "Music is so useful. Wait a minute…what did you call Jane?"

"The music vampire," replied Jacob. "I don't see why that should be so strange. She's a vampire who likes music. I don't understand…wait. Wait a minute wait a minute wait a minute. Oh my God. Whatever-that-other-line-is! _Whatever-that-other-line-is!_ The music…_vampire?_ What am I saying?" Everything was falling into place, and Jacob Black realized that his life was resembling a certain musical. "Whatever-that-other-line-is!"

Jasper and Emmett were laughing very hard. Jane and Alice entered, Nessie following.

"Jasper! Emmett!" shouted Alice. "The band is playing at the party!"

"Cool!" exclaimed Emmett.

"Wait until you see your trombone," said Jane, smiling at Alice.

Jane and Alice walked single-file out of the room. Jacob and Nessie fell in line behind them. Without noticing, they had lined up in order of height: Jane as the smallest, then Alice, Nessie, and Jacob. Jacob still held the whistle, and Alice had the sticks to the snare-drum in her pocket.

Jacob decided that life was definitely resembling a musical. One musical in particular. And he didn't like it very much. Jacob blamed Jane.

Jane, Alice, Nessie, and Jacob walked into the room where Edward was playing the piano. Edward looked up and saw Jacob and Nessie. The two ran in opposite directions.

Alice and Jane were left behind. "Can you play the _Minuet in G_?" Jane asked Edward.

"The _Minuet in G_?" asked Edward, confused. Then, listening to Jane's thoughts, he grew even more confused. "Why is our band playing the _Minuet in G_?"

"Because I like it," answered Jane. "Can you play it on the piano?"

"Fine," said Edward. "I'll do it." He began playing the _Minuet in G_.

"La-di-dah-di-dah-di-dah-di-dah," sang Jane and Alice as they left the room. "La-di-dah…La-di-dah..."

Leah was drawing in a sketchbook.

"Hi!" said Alice cheerfully as she walked over to Leah's chair. "May I see what you're drawing?"

"Sure," replied Leah, surprising Alice.

Alice looked down at the page; it was covered in small sketches. A picture of two people with a crooked music note above them bore the caption _The Quartet With Two Invisible Members_. A drawing of a shocked-looking girl was titled _"TROUBLE!" _There was a sketch of Rosalie looking confused (_"Where do you get it?"_) and a sketch of Jane standing on the piano (_"Remember the band…"_). At the top of the page Leah had written _Music Sketches._

"Music sketches," said Alice. "I like it. Those are really good pictures."

"Thanks," replied Leah. "I'm just drawing what I see happening."

"Those are going to be some very interesting drawings," Alice commented.

Jasper and Emmett were singing badly, Edward was playing the _Minuet in G_ on the piano while Seth watched, Rosalie and Bella were attempting to play their flute and clarinet without much success, Leah was drawing her _Music Sketches_, and Esme and Carlisle were running for their lives. Jane and Alice were going around spreading the musical chaos.

That leaves Jacob and Nessie. As all this was happening, they were standing behind a very large pine tree in the backyard.

"I knew this was a bad idea," Nessie was saying. "Edward must be listening to everything I'm thinking. Ye gods!"

"Who cares?" Jacob replied. "I already owe him and Bella $600. $700 if they find us. "

"Oh really? I still think this was a bad idea. I mean, we're standing behind a pine tree! A pine tree! Ye gods! It isn't doing much good. Where will you meet me next? Somewhere Over The Rainbow? Ye gods!"

"Somewhere Over The Rainbow? Good idea," said Jacob. "I was thinking…Jane is really driving me crazy."

"Ye gods! I know how you feel."

"I asked the Quartet to sing her away, but I don't think it's working," Jacob said. "Wait. I'm getting an idea. She said something about dancing…"

"I might know where you're going with this," said Nessie. "Ye gods!"

"Jane likes dancing…except for one song. So my plan is: we dance to that song to scare her away."

"Could work," Nessie said. "Ye gods! So, what song will it be, then?"

"What song?" echoed Jacob. "'What song will it be, then?' Wait for it…"

"EDWARD'S COMING!" She ran off.

Inside the house, Alice gasped in surprise.

**COMING UP NEXT: Alice has a vision: The Wells Fargo Wagon is coming! ...Fear it! Mike has reason to. He also has reason to fear Bella, now that a certain secret is out. I'd say that the story takes on a more serious tone here, but it's hard for anything to be too serious when the song "Shipoopi" is going to be involved.**


	19. The Wells Fargo Wagon Is Coming FEAR IT!

**Chapter 19**

**The Wells Fargo Wagon Is Coming…FEAR IT!**

"This is so annoying," complained Edward. "Emmett and Jasper won't stop singing, Bella and Rosalie keep playing those musical instruments, my daughter fell in love with my worst enemy...I'm going to go insane!"

"I don't think that Jane is really—" began Carlisle, but was interrupted when Alice dashed into the room.

"Carlisle! Edward!" shouted Alice. "The Wells Fargo Wagon is coming!"

Hearing her shout, everyone else, including Mike, had come to find out what was going on. Now they were silent, trying to figure out what the heck Alice was talking about.

"I had a vision, even though Jacob and Leah and Seth"—Alice was careful not to reveal what they really were to Mike—"are here! The Wells Fargo Wagon is coming!"

"The Wells Fargo Wagon?" asked Carlisle. "In this day and age? Nonsense!"

"But it's true!" cried Alice.

_"Oh the Wells Fargo Wagon is a-comin' down the street,  
Even though no one listens to me.  
Oh the Wells Fargo Wagon is a-comin' down the street,  
I wish, I wish, I wish I knew what it could be!"_

"_I think Alice is right and it is coming,_" sang Jane.

"_Well, if she is this is strange, indeed,"_ sang Nessie. "Ye gods!"

"_Perhaps this is a weird hallucination,"_ Jasper sang.

"_Or maybe we are all going crazy!"_ Seth sang.

Everyone joined Alice as she made up her own words to the song: _"Oh the Wells Fargo Wagon is a-comin' now, are we going crazy, or is this just a strange dream?"_

Bella: _"However…"_

Rosalie: _"Some of us…"_

Esme: _"Do not sleep!"_

"_So I think that…"_ sang Edward.

The others echoed him: _"Yes, we think that, yes, all of us really think that…"_

"_We are going…"_ Edward continued.

Everyone else sang, _"Yes, we're going, yes, we are very surely going…"_

Edward: _"CRAZY!"_

Alice stood on the piano as she directed the next verse of the song.

_"Oh the Wells Fargo Wagon is a-comin' down the street,  
Maybe this is really happening.  
Oh the Wells Fargo Wagon is a-comin' down the street,  
But what on earth could it be coming for?"_

Esme: _"I did order some curtains last Sunday…"_

Rosalie: _"Perhaps, but I don't know why they'd come now."_

Bella: _"Is this some kind of strange delivery truck?"_

In out-of-tune harmony, Emmett and Jasper sang, _"The Quartet With Two Invisible Members has ordered…ICE CREAM!"_

Jacob stepped forward and started singing.

"_Oh the Wells Fargo Wagon is a-comin' down the street,  
It's something I never thought I'd see.  
I also never thought I'd sing a solo,  
But I am, so be shocked, and by the way, music is pointful!"_

Everyone was shocked. "Ye gods!" said Nessie. "Jacob can sing!" She kissed him.

"$800, Jacob," said Bella.

"Too bad!" replied Jacob.

Everyone continued singing.

_"Oh you Wells Fargo Wagon keep a-comin',  
Oh you Wells Fargo Wagon keep a-comin',  
Oh you Wells Fargo Wagon, please don't make a stop,  
Until we find out what the heck you're doing here!"_

Some people applauded. Just then, a shout came from outside.

"NOOOOOOOO! NOT THE WELLS FARGO WAGON! WHAT A TERRIBLE END! YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME, LEAH! NOOOOOOOO!" screamed Mike Newton.

Alice, Jane, Nessie, Jacob, Edward, Bella, Jasper, Emmett, Rosalie, Esme, and Carlisle hurried outside. The Wells Fargo Wagon was indeed coming. It was a FedEx truck with sign taped to the side: WELLS FARGO WAGON. And the Wells Fargo Wagon was about to run over Mike Newton. Leah stood beside the road, watching without concern.

"He won't get hurt. Not very much, that is," said Leah, in response to the others' horrified expressions.

Mike, meanwhile, had fainted before the Wells Fargo Wagon touched him. From a distance, though, he appeared to have been run over.

Jane ran into the road. "Mike?" she said, kneeling beside him. "Hello? Can you hear me? Can you see me?"

"No," replied Mike.

Jane stared at him. "If you can't hear me, then how could you know what I was saying and answer me?"

"I don't know," said Mike.

The driver of the Wells Fargo Wagon rolled down the window. "Sorry," she said.

Jane saw her and gasped. "_Gianna?_ What are you doing here? WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? This is my mission! Go! Get out!"

The driver, Gianna, ignored Jane. "Hey, Mike!" she shouted. "That girl Bella? She's a vampire! Bella is a vampire!"

Mike's eyes flew open. "What?"

"SHE'S A VAMPIRE!" cried Gianna before leaping from the truck and disappearing into the forest. Jane chased her, screaming, "Go! Get out! They are mine, do you hear me? Mine! Out! My mission! Go! Away!"

As Jane's shouts faded in the distance, Mike slowly stood and faced the others. "Bella?" he asked, face pale. "Bella? Is it true? Are you really a…"

Bella said nothing, only nodded slowly. Mike's face grew even paler.

Jane reappeared. "That Gianna," she complained. "Drives me crazy. Human who works in Volterra. I knew she had a day job because of the economy, but…the Wells Fargo Wagon? Seriously…" She turned to Mike. "You…know?"

"Yes," replied Mike solemnly.

Jane looked furious, but said nothing. _He knows, _she thought. _The human knows. Who knows how much he'll come to understand? He's a threat. It's our rules—he must be destroyed. The Cullens will surely understand. I'll bite Mike myself. The hard part will be getting close enough to do it, making him trust me. Hmm…_

**COMING UP NEXT: The Quartet With Two Invisible Members uses their _amazing_ singing talent in an attempt to get Jane to leave! Will it succeed? We shall see...**


	20. The Quartet's Secret Weapon

**A very short chapter.**

**Chapter 20**

**The Quartet's Secret Weapon**

Edward was playing the piano, and Bella was dancing. She enjoyed this part of being a vampire, being graceful. A human life spent tripping and falling over everything in her path had made her especially grateful for this.

Edward left the piano and danced with Bella, then returned to his piano. When the song finished, their small audience—Esme, Carlisle, Jasper, and Emmett—applauded. Very loudly, in Emmett's case.

"Lovely," came a high-pitched voice from the door. The six of them turned to find Jane watching. "Lovely," the vampire girl said again.

"She is driving me crazy," Jasper muttered under his breath.

"Perhaps we could now have a performance from the Quartet?" Jane suggested. Jasper and Emmett were now referred to all the time as the Quartet, even though there were only two of them. Jasper whispered to Emmett, "This is the opportunity we've been waiting for! To scare her away with our bad singing!"

"GREAT!" shouted Emmett. Jasper and Emmett posed dramatically and began their song. _"It's you in the sunrise…"_

Bella and Esme stood behind them doing a very overdramatic dance.

_"It's you on my pillow  
In all of my dreams,  
Till once more the morning breaks through…  
What words could be saner  
Or truer or plainer  
Than 'it's you,'  
It's you,  
Oh yes, it's you…_

Jane appeared to be suffering, but she remained.

"We'll have to try something else," Emmett whispered. Or, at least, he thought it was whispering.

"Wait," said Jasper. "Emotions. Several people are very excited about something. Wait for it…wait for it…I'm going to find out what's going on." He ran from the room, Emmett following.

**COMING UP NEXT: It's chapter we've all been looking forward to... One word: SHIPOOPI!**


	21. SHIPOOPI!

**I had fun writing this one.**

**Chapter 21**

**SHIPOOPI!**

Thirty seconds later, Emmett burst through the door, followed by Alice, Jasper, Rosalie, Jacob, Nessie, Leah, and Seth.

"Yes," said Emmett. "Jane is annoying us! Come on! Let's go!"

Bella sighed. "Can't you leave us in peace for _five more minutes_?"

"I'm not sure," answered Emmett. "I doubt it. If you can hold these people back…good luck. We're very enthusiastic about our idea."

"I noticed," observed Edward.

Alice came forward. "Edward? Can we request a song?"

"Fine," said Edward, annoyed.

"It's our idea," said Jacob, "to get Jane to leave you alone."

"Okay…" Edward said. "So…what song will it be, then?"

Jacob smiled. "Wait for it…" he whispered. "Wait for it…wait for it…wait for it…SHIPOOPI!"

"SHIPOOPI!" shouted Alice, Jasper, Rosalie, Emmett, Nessie, Leah and Seth.

Esme and Carlisle retreated to the doorway. Jane stood close to the wall, looking nervous. Alice leapt onto the piano; Emmett and Rosalie stood near it. The others stood on the floor in front of the piano, which, coincidentally, was positioned so that Edward had his back to the room.

The music began, and Emmett started singing (sort of).

_"Now a woman who will kiss on her very first date is usually a hussy.  
And a woman who will kiss on her second time out is anything but fussy.  
But a woman who will wait 'til the third time around,  
Head in the clouds, feet on the ground,  
She's the girl he's glad he's found, she's his Shipoopi!_

_ Shipoopi, Shipoopi, Shipoopi,  
The girl who's hard to get.  
Shipoopi, Shipoopi, Shipoopi,  
But you can win her yet!"_

Emmett could not sing very well. Jane ran away, but only one person noticed her.

"She left," Jacob whispered to Nessie. "Do we stop dancing now?"

"Of course not," Nessie replied. "This is fun!"

Emmett continued singing, Rosalie clapped her hands to the beat, and the most disorganized dancing ever began. Jasper, Bella, Seth, and Leah kept crashing into each other and forgetting the dance steps. All of them looked like they had never done the dance before…

Except for Jacob and Nessie. It had been their idea in the first place, and they looked as though they had been…_no way_...practicing. As everyone sang, "_DO RE MI FA SOL LA TI DO, TI LA SOL FA MI RE DO!_" Jacob and Nessie stood in front of the others, holding hands and smiling widely. Good thing Edward was facing away from them. Bella saw, however. Jacob would owe Bella a lot of money.

As the dancers moved in a circle, Jacob and Nessie were the only ones who didn't crash into anyone. _"DO RE MI FA SO LA TI DO, SI DO!"_

_"Now little old Sal was a no gal,  
As anyone could see,  
Look at her now, she's a go gal,  
Who only goes for me!"_

As you can see, _Shipoopi_ was a very good song to use when scaring Jane away. Even Edward sang along.

_"Shipoopi, Shipoopi, Shipoopi,  
The girl who's hard to get.  
Shipoopi, Shipoopi, Shipoopi,  
But you can win her yet!"_

Edward played a glissando on the piano. Then Jane and Mike ran into the room. The others stopped dancing to stare.

"AH, SPONTANEOUS DANCE!" said Jane, and she and Mike started dancing. To everyone's surprise, Jane was a very good dancer. Even more surprising: she was dancing with Mike.

Soon, Jane and Mike were joined by Jacob and Nessie. Jasper helped Alice down from the piano, and they, too, began dancing. Edward played the song's chorus again:

_"Shipoopi, Shipoopi, Shipoopi,  
The girl who's hard to get.  
Shipoopi, Shipoopi, Shipoopi,  
But you can win her yet!  
YOU CAN WIN HER YET!"_

"SHIPOOPI!" shouted everyone. Jane and Mike, Alice and Jasper, and Nessie and Jacob stood in front of the other four dancers doing jazz hands. Esme took a photo of them.

Edward began playing the dance music again, and Jacob and Nessie started dancing. Bella whispered something to Edward, who turned around.

"JACOB BLACK, WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?" Edward yelled.

"Not being here!" replied Jacob.

Edward jumped up, shouting, "Oh no! Don't go anywhere! I need to talk to you!"

Jacob looked nervous as Edward continued to yell at him. "Why don't you listen when I tell you to stay away from my daughter?" Edward said. "I don't care about your wolf thing; I don't care if you can't help it, KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF HER!"

"Edward, stop!" cried Nessie. "Ye gods!"

"Renesmee, you stay out of this!" Edward shouted. "Jacob, we tried to keep you away from her by making you pay $100. Now…you have to pay us $1000 for every time you even LOOK at her, do you understand? If you even look at her! If anything like this happens again, I will…I will…DO SOMETHING VERY BAD TO YOU!"

Jacob ran away. Nessie said, "It's people like you who are the reason vampires and wolf-people hate each other so much! Ye gods!" Then she burst into tears.

Alice walked over to Jane and said, "You're a really good dancer! Why…

_"You danced like a fairy princess,  
With a moonbeam for your floor.  
You had a crystal shimmer in your face  
And shining hair for all to see.  
We know that you will soon unfold  
A loving heart of purest gold,  
Right here, where a woman's heart should be!"_

**COMING UP NEXT: Lida Rose? Lida Rosalie? Same difference. The Quartet With Two Invisible Members has written a very interesting version of the song. And OH MY CARLISLE! Is Jane developing a conscience? No way!**


	22. Lida Rosalie

**Chapter 22**

**Lida Rosalie**

Leah was drawing a picture in her sketchbook. Alice looked over her shoulder. The page was titled _Music Sketches. _In the center of the page was a sketch of two people: a tall boy and a girl, obviously Jacob and Nessie. The caption read: _"SHIPOOPI!"_

"I like it," said Alice. "That's a great picture."

"Hey!" cried Jane. "I just realized something! There's a song called _Lida Rose_, and we call Rosalie 'Rose' sometimes!"

"Amazing!" said Emmett. "Jasper, it's another quartet song!"

Emmett and Jasper started singing:

_"Lida Rosalie, I'm home again, Rose,  
To get the sun back in the sky.  
Lida Rosalie, I'm home again, Rose,__  
I never left, so I don't know why  
I'm singing this song,  
But we're a quartet so we like to sing.  
Even though  
We can't really be a quartet if there's only two of us,_

_Lida Rosalie, I'm home again, Rose,  
Oh well, I really like this song,  
Lida Rosalie, now everyone knows  
That I am hoping you're the same,  
So here is my love song,  
Not fancy or fine,  
Lida Rose, oh won't you be mine?"_

"That was an…interesting version of the song," commented Leah.

Jane felt terrible. She had asked Mike Newton to dance with her to make him think that she liked him, so he would trust her enough to let her get close enough to bite him because he knew too much about vampires. But her plan was backfiring, and she was finding that she really did like him! Jane felt bad about tricking him like that. So she started singing.

_"Dream of now, dream of then,  
Dream of the love song that might have been,  
Do I love you? Oh yes, I love you,  
And I'll bravely tell you,  
But I'm not creative enough to make up my own words to the song.  
Sweet and low, sweet and low,  
How sweet that memory, how long ago,  
Forever, oh yes, forever,  
Will I ever tell you? Ah…no._

Jane continued to sing. Her voice was so squeaky and high-pitched that Leah covered her ears. The Quartet With Two Invisible Members started singing "Lida Rose," and even though they sang the correct words this time, they were still very out-of-tune. All in all, the three of them completely murdered the song.

**COMING UP NEXT: You've almost got to feel sorry for Mike. Here he is trying to have a party, and it's getting interrupted by some other Twilight characters. Word has gotten out that the Cullens are vampires, and that Jane _doesn't understand music._ AFTER THEM!**


	23. Mike Newton's Party Crashes

**Chapter 23**

**Mike Newton's Party Crashes**

It was the day of Mike Newton's party, and several people were close to experiencing panic attacks.

Carlisle and Esme were afraid that Mike would destroy their backyard.

The Quartet With Two Invisible Members was nervous because they were going to sing at the party, and their singing was still very out-of-tune.

The band was nervous because they hadn't practiced. At all.

Jacob and Nessie were nervous because they had talked to each other, and Edward and Bella would find out soon.

But Mike Newton wasn't nervous until guests started arriving.

At first, only Mike's friends came. Jessica, Angela, Lauren, Ben, Tyler, Conner, and Eric all arrived a few minutes early and helped Mike finish decorating.

Then some very strange people started appearing. Sam and his wolf pack arrived, in human form. Mike had not invited them. He also had not invited the group of people in gray and black cloaks who seemed to be friends of Jane. And he had never seen the red-headed woman before, or the tall blond man.

However, Bella had. "Can't they just _go away?_" she complained. "They died years ago! Can't they just leave me alone for a while?"

Mike Newton was inside the house when Gianna arrived. "Listen to this!" the driver of the Wells Fargo Wagon shouted. "The Cullens are vampires! Bella isn't the only one! Jane's a vampire too! And guess what? She's been talking about music this whole time, but she doesn't understand it! She can't read a note! She can't tell a bass drum from a pipe organ!"

"Finally!" cried Jacob. "An excuse to be mad at Edward! I WANT MY MONEY BACK!"

"Money back?" shouted Sam. "I want to destroy them!"

"AFTER THEM!" screamed the red-headed woman, who, of course, was Victoria, back from the dead. The Cullens, Jane, and the poor innocent humans ran for their lives. The wolves and remaining vampires chased them. Total chaos ensued. Edward ran to the piano and began to play "Pick-a-little."

"I'm just the musician!" he shouted. "Don't look at me!"

Mike Newton walked into the backyard, only to find his guests running for their lives and chasing each other. He ran for his life.

To Edward, looking out the window into the backyard, the scene looked something like this…

Mike ran past. "WHAT HAPPENED? WHERE'S EVERYBODY GOING?"

Jessica, Angela, and Ben ran by. "VAMPIRES! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!"

Emmett, Jasper, and Rosalie went past, going so quickly that they were almost a blur.

Sam and his wolf pack followed. "AFTER THEM! DESTROY THE VAMPIRES! THEY'LL NEVER GET OUT OF HERE ALIVE!"

Gianna, James, and Victoria ran by in the opposite direction. "GET BELLA!" screamed Victoria. Gianna, being human, fell behind the two vampires, breathing hard. "AFTER THEM!" she shouted and took off running again. Jacob saw and started laughing, then ducked behind a tree as Jane and Alice ran past the window. "Come on!" said Alice. "We need to get you out of here! Hurry! I'll get the car!"

Moments later, Nessie appeared and noticed Jacob. "Tree…tree…tree…tree…wolf." she said loudly. "What doesn't belong here?"

Jacob stepped out from behind the tree. "We need to find the band!" he said. "Come on!" The two ran away.

Meanwhile, on a footbridge over the river, Mike Newton crashed into Jane and Alice. "Jane!" he gasped. "What happened?"

"Long story," Jane told him. "Alice! Go get a car! We need to get out of here!"

"We can run faster than we can drive!" Alice protested, but left. "I'll be back in a second."

"Jane," said Mike. "I love you. Ever since you danced with me…"

"I love you too," said Jane. "I thought I was happy, but now…I'M GOING TO SPONTANEOUSLY BURST INTO SONG!" She did.

_"There was love…all around…  
But I never heard it singing…  
No, I never heard it at all…  
Till there was you…"_

"I know," said Mike. "I feel that way too. Jane, I have a question. You seem like you're hiding something…some secret…can you tell me what it is?

_Where was Alice? Where the heck was Alice?_ Jane really didn't want to tell him that she was a vampire.

Alice didn't show up. "I'M A VAMPIRE!" shrieked Jane.

"I don't care!" said Mike. "I love you anyway!" He turned around. "RUN! THEY'RE COMING!"

Jane did not run. Victoria and James arrived and dragged her away. Mike Newton started crying.

**COMING UP NEXT: Can the Minuet In G save Jane and restore peace and harmony to the Cullen household? La-di-dah-di-dah-di-dah...**


	24. La Di Dah Di Dah

**The Last Chapter!**

**La-Di-Dah-Di-Dah**

"…And the Cullens have not been found," announced Victoria. "We will continue our search for them later. We have, however, found and captured Jane. It is my opinion that we should throw her into the moat."

"She's a vampire," said James. "She can swim."

"I meant that figuratively, of course," replied Victoria. "We should burn her. That's the only way to destroy her."

"Stop!" cried Mike. "What has she done to deserve that? She's brought music! She made people stop arguing! She's a really nice person! She doesn't deserve to be destroyed!"

"You're wasting time, Mike Newton," said Victoria. "We all agree that she should be destroyed. Music? She's done nothing! She doesn't understand music. You thought there'd be a band? Hah! Look around. Do you see a band? She promised that. She promised that the band would perform at this party! Well…"

Meanwhile, inside the house…

Alice, Rosalie, Bella, Jasper, Edward, Emmett, Jacob, and Nessie were trying to be quiet. "Here's the plan," said Alice. "We wait until a good time, sometime when our appearance will be dramatic, then Jacob blows that whistle thingy and says that the band will now perform their amazing musical piece. Then we all come and play the _Minuet in G_."

"Great plan, Alice!" said Jacob.

"Wait," said Rosalie, holding her flute. "How does the _Minuet in G_ go again?"

"You know," said Nessie. "_La-di-dah-di-dah-di-dah-di-dah…La-di-dah…la-di-dah…"_

"Yes," replied Rosalie. "I remember."

Outside, Victoria was still complaining. "She promised that the band would perform at this party. Well…where's the band? _Where's the band?_"

And this was the dramatic moment Alice had been waiting for. "Now!" she whispered.

Jacob blew his whistle, and everyone covered their ears. It, like many other things in this story, was very high-pitched. "The Cullens' band will now perform their amazing musical piece!" Jacob announced. Alice opened the door. Jacob had been leaning against the wall, so when Alice pushed the door back, it hit him. Jacob said, "Ow." He also said, "Wait! I'm supposed to go first!"

"Who cares?" said Alice, running outside and standing in front of everyone assembled there. The others followed.

Rosalie, Bella, Jasper, Edward, Emmett, and Alice stood in a half-circle. Jacob stood off to the side with Nessie, looking very offended because of the door. Jane reluctantly stood in front of the half-circle and began directing. Rosalie held her flute, Bella had her clarinet. Jasper had his saxophone, Edward held a trumpet, and Emmett had his hot-pink trombone. Alice's snare-drum hung from a strap over her shoulders. Jane lifted her hands…

And the most terrible noise began. It was worse than Jane's singing, worse than the Quartet's songs. It was people who had never played their instruments before trying to play the _Minuet in G_. Bella, Rosalie, and Jasper played the melody, all in different keys and with plenty of wrong notes. Edward and Emmett just played random blasts of sound. Alice hit the snare-drum in no particular rhythm.

When the song finished, everyone applauded, even James and Victoria. "That was amazing!" cried Victoria. "I was wrong! Jane has brought music!"

Jane was saved. SAVED BY CLASSICAL MUSIC!


	25. Epilogue

**Chapter The ****Epilogue**

**And They All Lived Happily Ever After**

And they all lived happily ever after. The End.

Jane stayed in the Volturi, but she was not the same evil vampire who resented Bella. In addition to her death-glare powers, she also had another weapon to use: her high, squeaky voice, especially deadly when used to sing showtunes. She introduced Aro to music, and now he likes to whistle random songs as the Volturi torture people. Caius threatened to torture _him_ if he didn't stop humming "Seventy-Six Trombones." Marcus just looked bored. Welcome to Italy.

Mike and Jane remained together. Mike was changed into a vampire with the magical power of driving everybody crazy, and he joined the Volturi, giving Aro someone else freakishly cheerful to talk to. They found Mike's magical gift useful, if not annoying at times.

The band—Rosalie, Bella, Jasper, Edward, Emmett, and Alice—stayed together. Their music improved over time, but they never could play the _Minuet in G._

The Quartet also remained. Edward and Carlisle still didn't want to join, so it remained the Quartet With Two Invisible Members.

Jacob and Edward still argued, but Edward no longer charged Jacob any money when he saw Jacob with Nessie. Jacob still hasn't paid Edward and Bella back. He owes them $2300.

Leah's _Music Sketches_ became famous among the Cullens and Co. The picture she drew after "Shipoopi" became known as "The Infamous Shipoopi Picture." Leah met and fell in love with another Quileute werewolf, and they, too, lived happily ever after.

Victoria and James returned to being dead eventually. Nobody knows how they came to life to attend Mike's party.

Gianna eventually became a vampire and joined the Volturi. She and Jane remained enemies for all eternity.

Nobody knows what became of the Wells Fargo Wagon. Rumor has it that there's still a FedEx truck driving around Forks with a "Wells Fargo Wagon" sign on it.

And one day, Jacob walked into the Cullens' house and announced, "Guess what musical they're doing at the Forks Theater!"

And Nessie looked at him and said, "If it's what I think it is…we've been in that one already."

Remember the band.

**Remember the band! I hope everyone liked my random, pointFUL story as much as I liked writing it. **

**Disclaimer #1 (again, in case we've forgotten, just so nobody sues me): I do not own _The Music Man_. I do not own the Twilight Saga. But I do own the MusicTwilight Saga!**

**Disclaimer #2: No Twilight Saga characters were injured in the making of this story.**

**A few songs were destroyed, though.**

**Disclaimer #3: Queen ElainePhoebe and the Ninja Waffle Publishing Company will not be held responsible for any physical or mental injuries caused by the MusicTwilight Saga.**

**Thanks for reading! Love, peace, and music!  
**

**-Queen ElainePhoebe  
**


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